Dear Mom

Life has been very tough for me somehow for the last 3 years. I have made innumerable mistakes and have done irreparable damage to people's lives, be it family or others. But despite all the anger that I show towards you, please understand one thing that - "if there is one person whom I love the most and whom I fear losing the most, it is YOU and DAD". You guys are my guiding light in this dark world. You might think that I have changed a lot during past times and that now I don't respect you and Dad, but it is not at all true. I am only realizing the value of sacrifices and time that you have dedicated towards me. If not for you guys, I wouldn't have been able to reach where I am and accomplish anything close to what I have.

You are right. I am scared, and I have stopped focusing on my own life. But, I hope you understand my situation. Even if you don't, it is OK. I have disappointed you a lot in recent times, and I hope someday I can make you proud again. I feel that my leaving the house would in fact help you all to be what you were before. Don't worry about me, I am just suffering for the sins I have committed in this life.

Scribbling: Marriage

Well, I was in a mood to write a few lines but such is life now that I have to postpone it. I know I am making it sound like a great sacrifice but really I am now used to it. Somehow I need to figure out a way to handle this. I am able to handle a lot more things now, but sometimes I fail. I guess failure is the most obvious thing in marriage/relationship. The more you fail, the more the relationship wins. But always remember to forget the failure. Rather embrace it and be happy about failing.

- 19th Dec 2016

Nowadays, I get so many one liners in my head which are sort of conclusions about a lot of things, but I have postponed writing them down. As a result, I have forgotten all and now I need to write a few random opening lines to get me in the groove. Any normal writer might find it sort of a show off or laziness, but as this is for personal consumption, I hardly care.

"If you say something too many times, it becomes the truth"

Now, take the case of my client. They kept saying they don't have money to pay back to the lenders for the last 1.5 years and now it has become a reality. Meanwhile, they might be merrily siphoning off money to complete their next real estate project under the head of Horticulture expenses, Maintenance Capital expenditures etc. 

Well, same goes for personal relationships. Earlier, I used to think that I should be completely open about how I feel, and hence react accordingly. But, now I am stuck in this marriage where I need to say few things again and again so that they become the truth. Things like - "I have no issues", "I adore you", "You are the most beautiful woman in this world", "You are not fat", "I am totally fine with it", etc. Not only marriage, this is valid for all relationships - even close family. Not all the things I say are untrue, but a part of the things are completely false. The logic behind this is that - "It makes the other person HAPPY". Since half of my life has passed with the logic of - "It makes ME happy", I can live with this new logic from now on in a new found way of rationality.

I see so many contradictions in my life partner that I can decimate her logic in few minutes, but the thing stopping me is "It would make her feel HURT". And in turn it would cause a lot of trouble in our lives. So, the best thing to do is to quietly listen and agree - The typical husband reaction. And since she would keep accusing me of things when she complains many many times, it would ultimately become the truth, even if 75% of those are true. The result of all this - "a HAPPY married life". Congratulations.

"Your life is only your responsibility"

This is important. I learned it the hard way. Thanks to my life partner again. Here, I completely agree with her. I used to wish earlier that my life partner would be the door and inspiration for my goals and dreams in life, but now I have concluded that no one can be held responsible for my failure to move ahead in life or to chase my dreams. The only thing to be careful is - "Don't deceive anyone". That is outright bad. But, please take care of yourself and don't expect the other person to understand even an iota of what your dreams are all about, leave alone support you. The other person will constantly stop you and ask you to be answerable for your irresponsibility towards her resulting from your trade off/choice. You need to be brave enough to handle this. It will be very tough. It is like an investment with negative returns, but you can't escape investing. Good luck.

"Fuck efficiency, go for inefficiency"

This is again a liberating lesson I gained from my life partner. I was so foolishly caught up in making things efficient and orderly, that I forgot to have fun. I was trying to put everything in one bracket. This means that I used to assume that what applies to excel formula, also applies to life/relationships. Although, this has given me great success in my academic and professional career, this won't help me in maintaining relationships. So, I stopped caring if the driver took that longer route, spent on various things without researching and hence tried to live in the moment as much as possible. And it is great fun because there is no need to think about long term. It reduces the immediate stress a lot, and my grey cells are finally free to think of other things - plan the next holiday trip. Even if you follow efficiency in some aspects of your own life, don't ever expect the other person to do that. So, just relax.

"Don't try to teach/help your life partner unless she asks for"

Whatever be the situation, don't ever try to be the snob. I was so immature before I learned it the hard way - lots of accusations of being a snob and not a humble person. I thought that how I used to help others solve a mathematics problem in my school/college would also translate to how I help my life partner in various other things which I know in and out. Here, you should give your life partner the opportunity to fail again and again. And every time she fails, you have to support her and take her out of trouble. But don't expect that she will ever learn or thank or even appreciate you. For her, it is your duty and responsibility. Welcome to a normal relationship.

"Keep those friendships alive"
If you are someone who feels free, liberated and happy after meeting friends, then please invest very heavily into those friendships. Mainly because these friendships will give you the peak of happiness which your romantic relationship can never deliver. In geeky terms, the return on investment is way more in friendships than in a romantic relationship. But one catch here is - your friends might not like that you are intruding in their lives. In that case, you have to maintain the fine balance and not get them stressed out.

"If you are able to do it, then just do it, don't think"

This is an awesome advice from my uncle. I never thought it this way before. I used to get caught in the loop that - "Why should I do it?". But once he said this, everything became crystal clear. I am right now approaching the age of 30, so it will be soon that I will be 35 and then 40. At that time, I won't be able to do a lot of things and I will regret why I didn't do them before when I was young, energetic, "hopeful" and in good health. On the top of all this, I will be scolded that time that I never did anything (which I will get scolded anyway). Further, it will lead to new experiences and more opportunities to see the world from a different perspective. Hence, get up and get running. The pain of doing that thing initially may even be compensated later, but again don't expect it. Since I don't have money problems, I can even take an Uber/Ola.

"Don't tell everything, keep something to take away in your grave"

Don't take this as cheating. Obviously tell 99% of the things to your life partner, but don't tell her every minute detail of things. This is because it will maintain a peaceful atmosphere in the house, and also it will give you chance to reassess a lot of things. It will also help you correct yourself in your mind without causing any havoc on the other person. In a way, you will correct yourself and the other person would feel it rather than see the process. People, generally, don't like the process, they like the result more and hence, don't tell everything upfront. You may get bashed due to this from time to time, but be brave and strong. So, in conclusion, it is like a combination of patience and  learning. Somewhere in the journey, if you feel your life partner is wrong then don't tell her that, instead prevent her from damaging herself too much without telling her that you did it. You have to protect her, but do not expect the same from her. 

"In the long run, you will die alone, so live in the moment"

Ultimately, barring everything, you will die alone. No one is going to be the partner on the journey beyond this world. So, please relax and grow yourselves. Focus on now. As I learned from a movie recently - "No moment is an ordinary moment. Something is going on every moment". Not that I didn't know this earlier, but I just need to recollect my own conclusions from past so boost my present. The movie taught me another thing - "Let go of the bullshit that is going on in your head". It is very true for me at present. If I really focus on the thing I am doing in this moment, then nothing can stop me from being happy. It is the modern version of the saying - "Karm karo, phal ki ichcha mat karo". Focus or lack of it can change the game altogether. Focus can help one reach another level in whatever they are doing. If you are constantly stuck in past or future, you can't live in present. All this might not seem to be linked to your life partner, but it is. You need to figure out how to deal with her and also how to focus on things you love. This is a constant struggle.

PS: This post took one week to complete as I was able to write it in bits and pieces, but during this one week, my mood changed a lot and hence my writing seems tough and mild in various places. I learned a lot about myself too and I am relatively happier than I was at the start of the week.

Last night talk

The talk last night was quite good.Well, at least for me. Towards the end, I was almost about to cry when suddenly she held me close. She started crying instead.

By sharing all that is going on in my head, I felt quite relieved. It might have had an adverse impact on her but I was being completely selfish after quite a while. She still has issues about why I didn't ask her few obvious questions, but I guess that can't be undone now. I didn't ask those questions when I was supposed to. I was immature and didn't put all my mind into this relationship.

Today I woke up with some hope that I would be able to do something. I would be able to participate in fun. I can handle pressure. I even wanted to go to the gym.

Please someone make me cry

I realize now. My life has practically ended. I have nothing left inside. I can't say what I want to. I am all alone though I am surrounded by people. I can't tell them that I have become a wrong doer. Whatever I do or think is wrong. I get null respect, but I have to show all the respect and politeness to others. Am I suffering from a hidden case of depression ? Will I never be happy again? Here again I am right, because this is Karma, and I believe in it. 

My to-be-wife keeps telling me what to do and what not-to do. Apparently, I have to change a lot. She told me we need not talk on phone once she is in Mumbai, but she calls every night. Is she a hypocrite ? I have no life left now. I hardly think of my personal growth now. I am stuck in a terrible job. I have become fat and weak. I wish I could turn back time and go to those times when I had a purpose in life.

I am really tired now. How much can I fake it ? I am even cancelling all plans to just meet her. Music is the last thing now. It doesn't give me that pleasure now. Mainly, because I am afraid all the time. There is a fear residing inside me. Also, she considers Music a noise. She said my house is always noisy because people keep singing. I pray to God that I have enough money in future so that I can build a sound proof room for music.

This is for the record that I am making a huge mistake. I am not only destroying my life but also destroying two families and many more connected lives. I hardly feel happy anymore. But she is hardly concerned about my happiness. All the time she keeps telling me how she is feeling, what is bad for her, what is good for her. She is always wanting more and more.

She is a ridiculous person. She wants something and she does the opposite of it. She wants people to be polite to her but instead she is extremely rude to people. Her words over the phone hurt me like nails being hammered in my heart. But, I guess, I, being a fool, keep her calm by accepting whatever shit she throws at me. She, however, is not ready to take any of the shit I throw at her. She wants to just hear good stuff about her by doing nothing. She feels her sacrifices and changes are way more. She complains about them and quotes them at the same time. I just can't talk to her in a way where I can speak my mind. It is extremely tough to communicate with her. 

She lives in a dreamy world, and she tells me that I am far away from real world. I was a confident man before I met her, and now, all my energy has been sucked away by her. She makes fun of me and my weaknesses, but she is not ready to listen or discuss her weaknesses. She has no strength as a person. She just uses me a punching bag and has zero patience. 

I am observing her closely a lot. I see that lot of my speculations have been correct. She thinks that being in Kolkata was the best for her. But, then why didn't she do stuff there which she liked. Fact of the matter is that she just likes to laze around and do nothing. She wants life to just pass her by where she will just be the audience - watch everyone do things, while she sits and eats pizza. She is a terrible listener. In an argument, she has closed up her mind so much that she is not ready to change her beliefs at all. She thinks that there is only one way of living a life, and that is hers. She is not ready to change at all, while I, the biggest fool, am here who is thinking every moment of how not to piss her off.

I have realized that crying once a while helps me calm down and live one day at time. I am done with all the youtube videos which have made me cry. I can't feel the connect with those videos anymore. I am so heartless and emotionless that I have turned into a brick.

Scribbling: Why so lost ?

Date: 17th July 2016

I am not deeply involved in anything right now. I feel I am touching only the surface in everything and not thinking everything through. I have taken a few decisions which are going to stay for life, but I am not sure about them at all. The feel about those decisions keep on changing all the time. Sometimes I feel very happy and sometimes I feel I have made a blunder. But now I have no option left. I have to go through with the decision simply because so many people have been involved in this, and it would be a huge huge mess if I decide to run away. In plain terms, I wish time had stopped now and let me be for a uncertainly long period of time. Once I have figured it out, time could start again and I can take decisions again. 

I am too tired right now, and hence not doing anything. Be it job, home, relationship or anything, I am just drifting. I am actually in a dual state. Sometimes I feel that I am extremely wrong about all the things and that I need to change drastically for the life I have chosen, but sometimes I feel I have so much to offer and hence I deserve some slack in the usual responsibilities.

With the relationship I am in, I am not growing. In fact, I am losing energy most of the time. I will not say there are no happy times but energy is surely drawn from me. I wish I was with someone who was a bit more chilled out with lesser expectations from me. Someone who was a bit more adjusting. By the way, all this is my foolish mind speaking. 

In reality, the other person might be too adjusting and understanding, but I am not able to feel that because I don't see the other alternative. But that is where the problem lies. Why do I need to put in so much effort into understanding all this and then at the end of it be blamed for not able to perform. I know I have problems but I don't seem to be very frank about things with her. If I do, then she would be hurt because she can't handle criticism all the time, and I am someone who sees problems all the time and tries to resolve them. I can't randomly start saying good things about someone. In my mind, they need to prove themselves to be of my worth. More importantly, they shouldn't frown or show anger at the slightest discomfort from my side. 

Wait, I am writing random shit. I need to calm down and think very patiently. Let's jot down few things about me and then have a discussion about whether they are wrong or right. Honestly, I don't believe in right and wrong per say, but there has to be something consistent or fair.

My apparent bad qualities:

1. I don't have the capability to appreciate people: Yes, this is true. I don't appreciate often mainly because I want that appreciation to really stand out and make a difference in their life. Yes, this road has dissatisfaction and frustration all over it, but if one is patient with me on this, he/she can see great difference in future. This has happened in the past too. All those who have spent many years with me will know that when they do really good and have reached their potential, I have appreciated them wholeheartedly. I appreciate efforts too, and I don't like insincerity. This is one big problem with her. She is not sincere and she makes no efforts on being sincere. But she keeps complaining on how her life is messed up and how her weaknesses can't be discussed. If I dare tell her that she needs to improve, she will flare up and the discussion ends there. All that I can do is just shut up and agree with her. This causes a subdued hatred towards her and it is always there back of my mind while talking or interacting with her. 

2. I have a big ego: Again, I agree. This is really a big problem. I live on a thin line between humility and being egoistic. I cross over to both the sides often, may be mostly on the latter side. This is something I need to work on but I am not getting the proper environment to work on it. From time to time, I keep getting lessons on how I should control my ego, and that creates frustration in me. As a result, I need to keep telling myself that I am very good so that I can keep my confidence levels high and keep moving ahead in my life. As few say, the show must go on. However, I need to be more, much more, in fact much much more patient. I was patient once, mainly because I had hope of a better life in future. But now there is no such hope. I only see a life of adjustments and maintenance.

Reading the above two points in totality, I can clearly see how she might be feeling about criticism. She is also not getting an environment where she can recover. But, for both of us, we must act on our bad qualities and appreciate each other's efforts even if it is minuscule. 

To be Continued...

Scribbling: To someone with whom I am(was) obssessed

I am not going to mention any names here, as it might affect the life I have right now and may hurt a lot of people. But, anyway I had to write it out for the record because may be I won't actually remember her 1-2 years from now.

We met only 4 times but I felt a connection with her on some level. I always felt there is some kind of a tension between us. Not only from my side but from her side too. There was some irrational pull towards her. Of course, I was already with someone so I didn't pursue it in action but my thoughts were wandering. Also, it was a lost cause because she was going away for further studies in few weeks. At times, I felt like crying thinking of this situation. But of course, I distracted myself given the training I had for the past 10 years or so. I ignored her and focused more and more on my present girlfriend. I am good at being someone who can easily get distracted for a long period of time.

Her voice still lingers in my ears, and I remember her smile and eyes. When I met her, I had nothing, no expectations whatsoever but as I came to know more of her, I kept unfolding new sides to her. She is humble, she is patient, she is adjusting. May be all these are premature illusions but that is what has remained of her in my mind. She is gone now for sure. I will live a life without her or even without actually knowing her.

I so want to jot down few of the memories here, but I shouldn't. This is the minimum sacrifice I have to make in order to maintain some peace in my life. I hope to forget her soon. Till then, Sunday mornings will be cruel.

Scribbling: No reset button left

Originally written: Approx Dec 2015-Jan 2016

Well, yes. I am back here and that too after a really long time. And whenever I am here, it is because something has gone wrong and I need someone to talk to or express my thoughts to. This time I am really stuck, and have no where to go. I don't know what career I want, I don't know whom I want to be with, I don't know what kind of a person would make me happy and so many other - "I don't know"s. 

The base on which I had been living my life has been shaken from the roots. I can't even write about those things here. The net result of all those things is that I am not what I thought I was. I am not a hero, I am not even a zero. I am no one, and have achieved nothing despite studying from the elitist colleges and schools of the country. 

I have a very big ego which needs to be satisfied at all cost. I just can't value the love I receive from people, be it friends or family or anyone. I remain in such an air of ego that I forget to appreciate and thank them back. I treat them like an invaluable item and take them for granted. On the top of this, I don't say anything which would make my image go wrong in front of anyone. 

Week 0: Updates

Way back in 2009, I used to keep track of the updates/achievements in my life by which I could say that there is healthy progress in my life, and I am planning to start it all over again. The reason is pretty straightforward - Focus and ambition. I need a reason to do things and keeping track of those things, and feeling confident helps a lot in keeping up the enthusiasm to do new things.

I have been very lazy in the last year. I don't feel like doing anything or learning anything new mainly because I don't see the ultimate objective of doing new things. I realized that sometimes one needs to keep one's head down and do things without asking too many questions or analyzing too much.

Life has changed a lot since 2009, but yes the method and the approach remains the same to make a come back. 

Strategy is the art of closing doors

The title is a quote by one of my professors in my recent Alma mater. The aptness of the quote I have realized from time to time but today I have actually felt it. The reason being that my life's strategy has faced a closed door. It is a medical door, as I have a disability which might reduce by life span to 45 years, which means another 16 years to go.

But, in a way, it seems to be helpful. Now, I have to focus on extremely important things which will keep me happy for the rest of the time I have. Interestingly, isn't this the only way to lead the life, however long it might be? I got distracted for a while. I was trying to get the maximum of everything - the best in everything. Now, I have limited choices to make, and limited expectations. 

Even when we talk of generic business strategies, one of them is Focus. So, that is the strategy left for me now, and it makes me feel comfortable too. Less things to worry about, and also I am in a totally unique market position where there are very few players. 

And yes, I cried. But, it really helped. A pressure from within my heart was released. Now, I felt lighter as expected. Next step is to figure out how not to let my parents see me die or see me in a terrible state of health. Let's see how to accomplish this. 

Memories, no more...

Today I deleted her audio samples from the phone, an act which shows that I am fed up. Generally, I never do so with memories, but I had to do this. 

Nobody, not a single soul, will see or realize how much pain I felt while doing so and how I wanted to cry, because no one would believe I did cry after doing that. I still have the photos but now I cannot hear her voice. 

A Life Destroyed

Some people say that I destroyed a life recently. Well, the fact is even my life is destroyed. My guilt levels are at an all time high. My self confidence is gone. I can't apply my brain to anything - not even music. Finance concepts are something that appear alien to me. Physically, I feel tired and feverish all the time now. The internal balance and peace are gone. I thought work would be exciting. It is actually. But, I have no energy, be it physical or mental, to pursue and learn at the potential I had or have. I just can't think clearly. If I go this way, I have to live life like a puppet. If I go the other way, my life may end as I know it. 

Every little beautiful memory had been torn apart. Be it a harmless laugh with a friend, a song written for an almost terminal stranger or even my academic credentials, every such a little thing has been maligned. Earlier, I used to live with a hope that future beholds the great times. But, the future is here and there is nothing great here. All I have is guilt. I have hurt someone badly is all my brain can register and nothing else. I need a change. The situation at home has also been maligned by it. The balance was so beautiful, so adorable but it is all gone now. Fights, anger and rage has taken over. There is internal turmoil and very little patience for anything. Acceptance and gratitude has taken a back seat.
I need to start from zero again. The battle is on again. Let's see who wins it.

Songs till date

This post is just a simple collection of songs that I know how to play in guitar. May be not perfectly, but still somehow and with almost 95% accuracy. It is measured with respect to the closeness to the original in terms of timing and guitar chords. Here, I am mostly referring to the rhythm guitar.

Further, I have also recorded some songs, though with limited knowledge, just because I was desperate to see how it comes. I have added a section on that too. 

And Finally, I have performed few with minimum possible knowledge and in the fastest way possible.

This post will help me figure out how perfectly I need to know the chords of songs and keep a tab on songs which I could perform whenever someone asks or something comes up.

I know:
1. Wonderwall (Oasis)
2. Sun Raha hai
3. Galliyan
4. Yaaron Dosti
5. Kholo Kholo (TZP)
6. Paani Da Rang
7. Aashayein (Iqbal)
8. Comfortably Numb
9. Nothing else matters
10. For Whom the bell tolls
11. Zombie
12. Bheegi Bheegi (Gangster)

I recorded:
Covers
1. Tere Bina (Fuzon)
2. Teri Yaadien (Love Story)
3. Pukaarta Chala Hoon Main
4. Mitwa (KANK)
5. Yaaron Dosti

Originals
1. Saara Jahaan
2. Sabreena
3. Naa Koi
4. Moder Jagaye

I performed:
1. Nadaan Parindey
2. Yeh Jo Desh hai tera
3. Dil se (Different version)
4. Vande Maataram
5. Maaeri
6. Dil Chahta hai
7. Rolling in the Deep
8. O HumDum Suniyo re
9. Dil ko Tumse Pyaar
10. Khamaj (Fuzon)
11. Saawan me lag gayi aag
12. Gulabi Aakhein
13. Jodi tor Daak shune keu (Bengali)
14. Aamake aamar moto (Bengali)

Two years

Past two years, lot of things have changed. But the most important change has been my attitude. When I read my old blog posts, I see so much lack of confidence and enmity for the world around, but now I am at peace with those things.  This doesn't mean that I am problem free. New deeper and serious problems have come up.

I have realized that just earning and living a straightforward life is not for me. I have to keep doing something else to keep myself satisfied. It may be something in the domain of my passion - music or anything new which I have not explored yet. But, just drifting through life is not enough for me.

I am now even more confused about love than before. Earlier, I thought I would be very happy to find someone who loves me, but I realized that something is seriously wrong with me in this respect. I am an extreme commitment phobic. I always keep thinking - "What if there is a better possibility in future?". I just can't let this question go out of my head. I don't know whether I would be able to come out of this any sooner, but I will try my best.

I now feel satisfied with my performance in B-school. I have no regrets academically. I ended up in the top 50 (out of 450). I tried to be as attentive and as serious as possible with respect to studies. Also, I earned great respect from my group mates. With respect to placements, I got a decent paying job with least possible pain. I guess my undergraduate college credentials came in handy. 

I am now not so sure about drinking. I had become quite an alcoholic, but the pleasure it used to give me earlier is not the same anymore. Earlier, I would feel free and talk with people whom I used to drink with, but now I just stop talking after drinking, and just try to control myself of any misdoings.

I don't see every girl as a possibility now. In fact, it is quite the contrary. I restrict myself now. Earlier, I used to see the possibility of a girl being the one for me, but I have given up now. With the relationship I am in, howsoever complicated it might be, I somehow am trying to control myself from doing it. It hurts and feels boring but eventually I have to adjust to such a situation. It might seem odd to few, but this is how it is. I am a bit weird in this respect.

Pursuit of Happyness :-)

I still remember the scene from the movie when Will Smith walked out from the office and was clueless in the midst of the swarming and aimless crowd. He claimed that the feeling then and there, the small part of his life, was "happiness". 

The day the CAT results were to be announced, I knew that it could make a great difference in my life, my approach further, my belief and also my confidence towards everything. But, I was prepared to handle both the scenarios. I told myself, I am still young and can lead my life any way I want to, with no restrictions. I didn't hate my job, neither did I have any particular stream to look forward to. I knew that whatever happens, I have to keep moving and gain as much knowledge as possible, and to understand the world as much as I can in my life time. I have learned that when one starts living one's own life, he/she can excel in anything he/she wants to.

As expected, it was 12:00 am, and the servers were dead. No one was able to access the website. Given this, I disabled my temporary Facebook account, switched off my phone and started watching some random TV series. I was prepared for the worst. Various thoughts went through my mind, the most prominent one was the look on the face of my grandfather once he knows what my result is. I didn't want to disappoint him, but I was prepared for that too. I have learned to forgive myself now otherwise I would just keep apologizing each second for the countless mistakes I have done in my life with respect to family, friends, love, passion and what not. I also thought of my friends from PG, how they changed my life, how the interaction has gone beyond a normal online relationship, and how my inherently lonely soul was finally finding a channel to speak out, bring smiles to other's faces and after a long time laugh genuinely. I somehow had a belief that they would support me, be it adversity or the reverse. This was a big change from the shy, diffident, and lonely character who used to reside in my head. I never took so many people for granted before this. It felt good.

At around 5:00 am, I was able to access the result. While, I opened the page, I had a photo frame of God in my hands. Situations like these make me weak somehow and I turn to something to hold on. When I saw the results page, I was quiet. I saved the page. Suddenly, my sister opened the door and asked me what happened. I told her, and she said - "Yeah, it is quite good, very good in fact". I nodded. I logged onto PG, and noticed that one of my close friends has also scored quite well, but was on the border line with respect to chance of calls. I posted my result, and the flurry of congratulations started appearing, and I was still calm. I started asking people about their results and found out that most of my close friends didn't score well. I remembered the feeling I had got last year on the same occasion, and so I tried to relate to their thoughts. Consequently, I got more involved in talking to those friends rather than replying to congratulation messages. 

One year back

One year back, I was happy. But now I am drowning in the water of my own eyes.

One year back, I believed memories are good. But now, they are a burden, holding me back in moments.

One year back, I was rational. Now, I can't reason the unpredictable.

One year back, I wanted people to listen. Now, I can't speak.

One year back, I thought I was growing. Now, it seems I am back to where I started.

The Greatest Gift

Yes, this is going to be philosophical per se. I just can't help myself. I love to think, over think sometimes, but yes I do. 

People long for gifts. So much that they would exchange pleasantries and wait for the guests to just leave as quickly as possible, of course, after having a dinner or a lunch, that, to show some social courtesy and all. 

I never cherished material goods. Yes, as a child, I wanted few toys here and there, only because I was curious to know what is that toy all about. But now, when I am an adult, not only legally but also mentally, I don't even buy a new pair of jeans unless I am completely out of anything to cover my lower body. Yes, that type. My mom and dad have been asking me to go for some random shopping, but I have been procrastinating it. Well, let's just jump to the main point. 

Today, I got the greatest gift of my life. And as you might have guessed it, it is not some precious and expensive stone, toy or the type. My gift is priceless. It will not perish till my death, and no one can take it away from me. But I will say that I was lucky to receive that gift, because there was every possibility that the gift could have vanished in thin air, and no one would have known. Tonight, before I close the door to my room, I heard a simple line that completely changed my attitude towards life. My grandfather said - "Apai is the best of the lot". Within nano-seconds, a flood of emotions engulfed me. Lots of memories, full of accusations, mistakes, glories and set-backs started rushing through the mind gates. Finally, someone understood me. Finally someone was in resonance with me and appreciated me in the right way. This was genuine, right from the heart, from the most experienced person of the family, which has no dearth of talented or professionally successful individuals. But he chose me, not because of those worldly glories, but because of the inherent me. The actual me, who is hidden there inside, away from the world, suffers in silence, and smiles with humility. I find it tough to be honest about how I feel about someone, but all doubts vanish when it is him. When all failed, even my own parents, he understood me. He amazes me. I guess that is what true life experience is. I salute you, Dadu. I pray for your long life, and wish to see you holding my child in your arms.

Save me

I am pretty damn fucked right now. I feel like my life is just moving along and I just can't do anything about it. I feel aimless. My eyes have become weaker. I have stopped going to gym and so I even feel physically weak. I spend the whole day in my room, watching mindless movies and occasionally worrying about MBA. Whenever I think about it, I go blank. I have failed so many times that now it seems that it is something I am not meant to do. It is just fucking up my brain. In addition, I have no one to discuss all this stuff with. No friends, offline or online. No one. Occasional meetings with random people from TIME is not what I call actual friendship. They don't know that I am going to appear for CAT, the fourth time. I have heard them made fun of a guy they know who is also going to attempt for the fourth time. I didn't respond then. Presently, I am an addict. I wake up everyday, brush my teeth, and just start watching movies. Random movies, which may not even have seen the light of a theater. I hate myself right now. I could use this time so effectively. I could work on my essays, get done with TOEFL, get my transcripts from the college, apply to various other places, learn web application programming, enhance my Unix shell scripting and what not. But here I am, just losing my way and focus. I need a mentor who can hold my hands and lead me to the correct path. Someone who would drag me out of my bed and give me hope that I can. 

I seem to have become someone who has forgot what is human touch. I analyze so much that everything seems useless. My confidence gets a big big hit when I can't decipher the codes of life, and when others who were not that great once are now achieving great heights of glory. 

Am I alone here ? Is there no one here who is facing the same problem as I am. Why can't I find anyone who is like me and can understand me. Well, I am a loser. I just don't want to get better. People don't think too much and are not always judging their actions on a moral scale. I do. I do it every time and hence, I lose focus and just start thinking instead of doing. No one will remember the things I thought, every thing that they will remember is my work - my actions. Action speaks louder than words do, yes, but they do so even more than thoughts do. I lost a friend recently. No he/she is not dead, but is not going to talk to me anymore. Things became complicated and finally ended. It was abrupt and I was fine with it for few days, but I realized that he/she was proving to be good distraction from all these thoughts. I was enjoying the TIME classes but my recent failures in solving simple math problems have brought me down to my knees. I am trying to get up but I can't. I am just tired of failures. I don't know when this slump will end, but I hope it does soon. The child in me has already committed suicide, and now I see negative in every aspect of life. Fear has taken over my soul and I just can't do anything without shaky hands. Is it the effect of excessive internet/computer usage or am I really mentally sick right now ? I don't know the answer, and presently, I don't want to know. I go to sleep with dreadful thoughts that I am going to die a virgin, and I will never get to love anyone or receive love from anyone. Even if someone loves me, I will drive him/her away as I am this skeptical bastard. I have forgot to trust people, and to share thoughts - my thoughts, not my neighbor's thoughts. I can't talk to people. I fear the crowd. I just like to watch them from a distance.

I fear my past. Still, the waste of my college life, supposed to be the golden years of my life, has been haunting me. I can't call myself an engineer. I regret that I didn't pay attention during my college days. My actions during those time were horribly disoriented and there was no one who could tell me that I was not doing the right thing in a right way. I lost my sole strength - my intelligence. My innocence was brutally killed and it has been buried very deep in the corners of my pitiful life. My stream has changed. I have become a non-innovate salary crunching individual who has apparently lost his individuality in the crowd. I used to do things because I loved to do those, but now I feel I am not doing those things any more. I used to play, I used to sing, I used to create music. All that is gone now. I will not say that the music in me is dead, but it is not able to come out due to all the fucking shit in my head.

I see my brothers and sisters, and I feel jealous. I see joy and focus in their eyes. They have somehow figured out the code of life. They are enjoying friendships, failures, successes, and are doing it with great attitude. I wish I was one among them, and could share my life with such great cousins. Being the eldest, I am alone at the top and everyone hides stuff from me and don't really care for me that much. I was once the golden boy of my family, but I am the rogue boy who always fails.

My eyes hurt now, bye.

Appraisal of my company

Year-end blues are here again, and everyone is being robbed of his/her savings, when he/she realizes that it is high time that one should invest in something to avoid paying heavy sums as taxes to the government, which apparently has developed a habit of wasting public money in corruption scams and inefficient fund allocations. But, this post is not another blog post which one can archive as a proof to the non-governance of the government, it is about me and my company (X). Before the managing director of my company can decide on my appraisal, I would like to stack up my opinions on my company,which I joined 1 year back. So, here it goes.

Overview:

To begin with, my experience with X has been absolutely beautiful. Right from day one, I always felt that I am learning something new and exciting, and more importantly something different and exclusive from others. The dynamic nature of a start-up coupled with individual independence resonated with my vision, and with time helped me bring out more strengths from within. I grabbed this rare opportunity and delved deeper into both the technical and business aspects of each client I worked with. Being a quick learner, I not only delivered much more than what was expected from a resource with only 2 years of experience, but also developed strong relationships with clients, who recalled us for further phases of the project. I have been part of all major projects and even extended my role to recruitment when the time arrived. But, of course, even such a beautiful experience cannot be perfect, and is embodied with scars which are few in number but brings down the rosy picture, slightly.

In the next section, I would analyze my contribution, my potential to contribute in future engagements, studded with examples from the last year, and then put everything into the performance framework which has been accepted in our company.

1. Attendance: 

The very first aspect of the performance is office attendance i.e. being physically present in office. Yes, I totally agree that I lay way behind the norm in this regard and hence have been the victim of ridicule from my peers, but I am absolutely sure of the fact that my physical absence has in no way caused any loss to the company. To start with, there are various reasons which can be cited for my absence. First, my place of residence. I live so far away from the office that travelling encompasses 5 hours of my daily life. It seems profligate and inefficient when the tasks you are working on involves utmost urgency and proactive response. At times, the tasks are individual in nature and do not need help or guidance from team members. If I take the example of the DOE project, even though many of the tasks were not individual in nature, the delivery time would have been adversely affected if I had to visit the office every day as it would have taken away valuable 5 hours from my day. Also, there was a time when there was apparently no work at all - not even the internal projects. That time saw the most of my physical absence. Further, the time spent alone at home helped me recall and revise many concepts and experiment a lot more with the technology than would have not been possible otherwise. This brings me to the second point - the environment at office. One thing that I have observed is the efficiency of my working capacity at both home and office. At home, I am disturbed by nothing and by no one, and hence my efficiency is at the fullest. But in office, various distractions (not the doubts or clarifications asked by team members) are prevalent which reduce the smooth flow of thoughts and hence increase the implementation time of things that do not need concerted effort. That said, I have not missed any important part of team building which took place, be it project work or otherwise. Thirdly, on a more personal front, I had to attend to some important responsibilities at home. I had to accompany my mom to regular health check ups since my dad was out of the country for some time. But this was only temporary and not the major reason.

To summarize and to propose a strategy, I would say, rather pledge, that from now on, you would not face any complains on the attendance front whatever the situation be. If I falter beyond the allowed limit of 20 holidays, you are free to deduct my salary on day to day basis. And this limit would not hold true in case of tight schedules during client engagements when my contribution is more important than my physical presence in office. Also, this limit would extend in case I work extra days, in form of Saturdays or Sundays or both.

2. Quality of Work:

I can say, without a doubt, that the solutions or the code that I have delivered throughout, be it client engagements or the internal projects, were of epitome quality. Given my range of experience, I have used all my analytical and interpolation power to learn the best way of delivery, be it code or even a video demonstration for internal project. I feel that this point brings no debate to the table.

3. Time:

This parameter basically means - how much work is completed? Is time in office well spent or is it wasted? As per this definition, I believe there are no instances of incomplete work from my side, and I have never "wasted" my time in office, in fact, my focus has always been on increasing my value, and hence many a time, when there is no internal or external project work, I solve programming questions so that I develop a new skill or a new way of implementing things. This feature has helped me a lot to translate knowledge from one domain to other, and understand the back-end of various tools in place.

4. Client Relations:

It is another point which is non-debatable, as both of us know how the clients have responded to my work and the my work ethic. Never have I hesitated to go an extra mile for them, and hence maintained a very good rapport with them.

5. Profitability:

Well, this is something that is not in my hands. Yes, to some extent, I can deliver new ideas, new methodologies, etc but this is something which depends entirely on the value of the project I have been put into. Bringing projects for the company was never in my job profile, although I never mind bringing them. But again it is something that is not in my expectations list, and so cannot be used against me for my low profitability, if any. Whenever I have been on projects, I have been extremely valuable and hence the profit margin that I bring to the company is huge.

6. Training:

This is yet another point where I have left no bounds. Right from day one, I have been training on various tools, which are uncommon and have no trace on the internet. But my training was never restricted to the technologies in which we had projects. I started capturing the basic concepts of JAVA with the help of the book which you had in the office. I even participated in few online contests where I applied my concepts and solved the problems successfully.

The points mentioned above were my justifications, reminders and examples of the value that I bring, but there is another part to the whole appraisal framework, that is - the 360 degree feedback, which essentially includes my feedback to the company. The next section will deal with it.

Positives:

As I have said above, X provided me a lot of opportunities to enhance my growth and increase my value. Firstly, one of the most important aspect has been the exclusivity of the technologies in which we are dealing, and also the in-depth training of it. This is a very big positive. Secondly, the exposure to Informatica's environment, be it technical details or the marketplace, has been a boon to me. Being an inquisitive person, I always like details of everything, and that's what the in-depth training of Informatica has done. The marketplace products boosted my confidence. It placed me in an international arena, where the products developed by me can be seen by professionals worldwide. Thirdly, the independence of thought has been liberating and hence I always feel special and being valued. This aspect provided me a lot of opportunity to explore and experiment, and being an opportunist, I never procrastinated in grabbing them.

Negatives:

Although positives steal the show, still there are some negatives that are embedded in the picture. They are just some observations or opinions from my perspective. Firstly, the promise of an incoming project with transparency. I agree that there are uncertainties involved in the field of business, but giving a sort of false hope/promise that we are about to land into a client engagement is something I didn't like. This is not a one time phenomenon. This has happened many times and we all are frustrated with this aspect. It becomes difficult to bring the element of trust in such promises. Yes, there were projects and we worked hard on them, but for the last 6-7 months, we have not applied our working knowledge on the niche tools. This could easily bring our value down as a resource and erode our existing knowledge. Also, it becomes very tough to keep oneself motivated only through training and not actually applying the concepts and tricks that we learn. Training, I believe, is just an introduction, the main conceptualization starts with experience. Secondly, team work is not unilateral. This perspective applies specially to me. Before you hired the trio, if I may call them so, there was no problem with team integration as such. But since then, there is an obvious polarity in the team. I, being the odd man out, have ,almost on all occasions of team work, either being ignored or being not informed about important advancements/learning irrespective of my physical presence in office. This happens even now, and it is I, who keeps on checking with them to get updates on the projects/training. I am not blaming them for this, but this is what it is. They know each other well, they live together, they go out together (even during office timings), so there is a natural cohesion among them. They are bound to share things naturally among themselves. But they never do it with me on a person to person basis, unless I am at the source of that issue. Also, there has been an unfortunate incident where one of them messaged me, by mistake, where he was back biting against me for my unnecessary mails to you, stating that I am trying to gain some extra points from you by sending more mails and stealing their idea, which in fact came up after an discussion, and hence I mentioned "we" in the mail instead of "I". I completely ignored it, and let it go for a better future. Since that incident, I reduced my interference so that any one doesn't get a chance to say such things about me. So, it is not that 'team-work' actually happens when I am physically present. I try my best to inform them of my learning, but they never talk to me in first person. I need to capture all their learning/opinion/views in third person. 

So, this concludes this blog post, and just to be clear, this is not something I actually mailed/said to my managing director. This is something that I feel inside and may never come out. So, blog is the way to capture such things. May be one day when I move on to some other place, I get to say a final word.

The Newspaper Battle

Before I go further, this post is not a write-up on which newspaper is the best or worst in the market and neither it engulfs any supreme or high court ruling involving any newspapers.

The word "battle" here, is not enough to explain my situation here. Well, to give a short background, I have been reading (at least trying to) a lot of newspaper lately. It includes both the paper form and the pixel form. My day starts with Economic Times. It builds on Times of India's e-paper and ends with Hindu. The class on Reading comprehension stressed a lot of reading editorials. So, I try to make sure that I read at least those. Now, what has happened within these few weeks can be deemed as both amazing and frustrating. My politically ignorant brain has suddenly developed a skill to detect the nuisances behind the manipulative comments by our politicians. A more close look into the economy of our country has helped me understand some aspects of budget and its terminology. My chauvinistic anti-government opinions are now misplaced with fact based and well informed judgments. Not only has my patience with reading reached a new height but also the knowledge gain is turning out to be helpful in igniting discussions with Ankit, my colleague, who has a good running knowledge of general finance. This new found ability to judge the actions of raising service taxes, custom duties and excises have changed me. Now, I don't waste much time in repenting my past actions, in fact, I don't get the time now. But, then what is the battle ?

Well, every coin has two sides, and unfortunately, there is another side to this rosy picture too. With so much information at hand, my intuitive part of the brain starts rejecting new information and becomes over confident. Instead of deep and inclusive reading, my brain starts the surface reading and this leads to dissatisfaction. Being someone who has to know every tiny detail of everything, cheating oneself is the biggest crime that I can commit. May be I am too hard on myself, but this is who I am. I like details, specifics, and to know that how the things add up to a bigger picture. Whenever I skip an article in the newspaper, I kick myself hard for not reading that. I become paranoid inside. "May be there was something very important which would be immensely useful later" - this is what every article brings to my mind. But realistically speaking, reading each and every word and article of a 20 odd page newspaper is no joke. I try to read most of them, but have managed an efficiency of only 30% till now. This is the battle. Trying to reach the full potential. One bad habit I have is that I prefer quick results, and hence the pressure on my mind is immense under such circumstances. The only way to reduce the pressure is confidence, and confidence can only be achieved when I perform well - not according to the world but according to me and my norms. Till then, the battle continues.

It's T.I.M.E

Well, I joined T.I.M.E almost a month back. Quant has been an undisputed leader among the topics that have been covered, but verbal is slowly picking up. Meanwhile, I have made some friends among the lot. Before I go there, let me take into account the demographics of the class. Most of the students here, are in the first year of their job or in the last year of their college. I, being the eldest and with more than two years of experience, belong to a different clan altogether. Many of them haven't written the exam before, and hence are facing the questions for the first time. Despite all this, my quantitative skills have helped me create an influence and presence in the classroom. Also, the revelation of me being an IITian has furthered the cause. In the midst of this influence, I have been able to make some new friends, if I may call them so. The difference here, unlike the other recent friend groups where the motive was competitive, is that the gains are mutual, and the whole group can act as a potential support and reconciliation group. Earlier, when I prepared alone, various thoughts and doubts crept up in my mind but they went answered or were lost among the daily chores of job life. But now, I can connect with similar minded or rather similar focused people who would help me get over those doubts or questions. Also, my long lost weapon i.e. intimidation by knowledge or power of mathematics is slowly gaining raw material. Although, the road ahead is steep and full of multi-dimensional challenges, this new stream has added some dynamic to my otherwise dull and insular life.

Before I forget to mention the names of some of them, here is the small list - Shobhit, Apratim, Vishak and one guy whose name I will ask tomorrow :)

Let's see how this phase unfolds.