Two years

Past two years, lot of things have changed. But the most important change has been my attitude. When I read my old blog posts, I see so much lack of confidence and enmity for the world around, but now I am at peace with those things.  This doesn't mean that I am problem free. New deeper and serious problems have come up.

I have realized that just earning and living a straightforward life is not for me. I have to keep doing something else to keep myself satisfied. It may be something in the domain of my passion - music or anything new which I have not explored yet. But, just drifting through life is not enough for me.

I am now even more confused about love than before. Earlier, I thought I would be very happy to find someone who loves me, but I realized that something is seriously wrong with me in this respect. I am an extreme commitment phobic. I always keep thinking - "What if there is a better possibility in future?". I just can't let this question go out of my head. I don't know whether I would be able to come out of this any sooner, but I will try my best.

I now feel satisfied with my performance in B-school. I have no regrets academically. I ended up in the top 50 (out of 450). I tried to be as attentive and as serious as possible with respect to studies. Also, I earned great respect from my group mates. With respect to placements, I got a decent paying job with least possible pain. I guess my undergraduate college credentials came in handy. 

I am now not so sure about drinking. I had become quite an alcoholic, but the pleasure it used to give me earlier is not the same anymore. Earlier, I would feel free and talk with people whom I used to drink with, but now I just stop talking after drinking, and just try to control myself of any misdoings.

I don't see every girl as a possibility now. In fact, it is quite the contrary. I restrict myself now. Earlier, I used to see the possibility of a girl being the one for me, but I have given up now. With the relationship I am in, howsoever complicated it might be, I somehow am trying to control myself from doing it. It hurts and feels boring but eventually I have to adjust to such a situation. It might seem odd to few, but this is how it is. I am a bit weird in this respect.

Pursuit of Happyness :-)

I still remember the scene from the movie when Will Smith walked out from the office and was clueless in the midst of the swarming and aimless crowd. He claimed that the feeling then and there, the small part of his life, was "happiness". 

The day the CAT results were to be announced, I knew that it could make a great difference in my life, my approach further, my belief and also my confidence towards everything. But, I was prepared to handle both the scenarios. I told myself, I am still young and can lead my life any way I want to, with no restrictions. I didn't hate my job, neither did I have any particular stream to look forward to. I knew that whatever happens, I have to keep moving and gain as much knowledge as possible, and to understand the world as much as I can in my life time. I have learned that when one starts living one's own life, he/she can excel in anything he/she wants to.

As expected, it was 12:00 am, and the servers were dead. No one was able to access the website. Given this, I disabled my temporary Facebook account, switched off my phone and started watching some random TV series. I was prepared for the worst. Various thoughts went through my mind, the most prominent one was the look on the face of my grandfather once he knows what my result is. I didn't want to disappoint him, but I was prepared for that too. I have learned to forgive myself now otherwise I would just keep apologizing each second for the countless mistakes I have done in my life with respect to family, friends, love, passion and what not. I also thought of my friends from PG, how they changed my life, how the interaction has gone beyond a normal online relationship, and how my inherently lonely soul was finally finding a channel to speak out, bring smiles to other's faces and after a long time laugh genuinely. I somehow had a belief that they would support me, be it adversity or the reverse. This was a big change from the shy, diffident, and lonely character who used to reside in my head. I never took so many people for granted before this. It felt good.

At around 5:00 am, I was able to access the result. While, I opened the page, I had a photo frame of God in my hands. Situations like these make me weak somehow and I turn to something to hold on. When I saw the results page, I was quiet. I saved the page. Suddenly, my sister opened the door and asked me what happened. I told her, and she said - "Yeah, it is quite good, very good in fact". I nodded. I logged onto PG, and noticed that one of my close friends has also scored quite well, but was on the border line with respect to chance of calls. I posted my result, and the flurry of congratulations started appearing, and I was still calm. I started asking people about their results and found out that most of my close friends didn't score well. I remembered the feeling I had got last year on the same occasion, and so I tried to relate to their thoughts. Consequently, I got more involved in talking to those friends rather than replying to congratulation messages. 

One year back

One year back, I was happy. But now I am drowning in the water of my own eyes.

One year back, I believed memories are good. But now, they are a burden, holding me back in moments.

One year back, I was rational. Now, I can't reason the unpredictable.

One year back, I wanted people to listen. Now, I can't speak.

One year back, I thought I was growing. Now, it seems I am back to where I started.

The Greatest Gift

Yes, this is going to be philosophical per se. I just can't help myself. I love to think, over think sometimes, but yes I do. 

People long for gifts. So much that they would exchange pleasantries and wait for the guests to just leave as quickly as possible, of course, after having a dinner or a lunch, that, to show some social courtesy and all. 

I never cherished material goods. Yes, as a child, I wanted few toys here and there, only because I was curious to know what is that toy all about. But now, when I am an adult, not only legally but also mentally, I don't even buy a new pair of jeans unless I am completely out of anything to cover my lower body. Yes, that type. My mom and dad have been asking me to go for some random shopping, but I have been procrastinating it. Well, let's just jump to the main point. 

Today, I got the greatest gift of my life. And as you might have guessed it, it is not some precious and expensive stone, toy or the type. My gift is priceless. It will not perish till my death, and no one can take it away from me. But I will say that I was lucky to receive that gift, because there was every possibility that the gift could have vanished in thin air, and no one would have known. Tonight, before I close the door to my room, I heard a simple line that completely changed my attitude towards life. My grandfather said - "Apai is the best of the lot". Within nano-seconds, a flood of emotions engulfed me. Lots of memories, full of accusations, mistakes, glories and set-backs started rushing through the mind gates. Finally, someone understood me. Finally someone was in resonance with me and appreciated me in the right way. This was genuine, right from the heart, from the most experienced person of the family, which has no dearth of talented or professionally successful individuals. But he chose me, not because of those worldly glories, but because of the inherent me. The actual me, who is hidden there inside, away from the world, suffers in silence, and smiles with humility. I find it tough to be honest about how I feel about someone, but all doubts vanish when it is him. When all failed, even my own parents, he understood me. He amazes me. I guess that is what true life experience is. I salute you, Dadu. I pray for your long life, and wish to see you holding my child in your arms.

Save me

I am pretty damn fucked right now. I feel like my life is just moving along and I just can't do anything about it. I feel aimless. My eyes have become weaker. I have stopped going to gym and so I even feel physically weak. I spend the whole day in my room, watching mindless movies and occasionally worrying about MBA. Whenever I think about it, I go blank. I have failed so many times that now it seems that it is something I am not meant to do. It is just fucking up my brain. In addition, I have no one to discuss all this stuff with. No friends, offline or online. No one. Occasional meetings with random people from TIME is not what I call actual friendship. They don't know that I am going to appear for CAT, the fourth time. I have heard them made fun of a guy they know who is also going to attempt for the fourth time. I didn't respond then. Presently, I am an addict. I wake up everyday, brush my teeth, and just start watching movies. Random movies, which may not even have seen the light of a theater. I hate myself right now. I could use this time so effectively. I could work on my essays, get done with TOEFL, get my transcripts from the college, apply to various other places, learn web application programming, enhance my Unix shell scripting and what not. But here I am, just losing my way and focus. I need a mentor who can hold my hands and lead me to the correct path. Someone who would drag me out of my bed and give me hope that I can. 

I seem to have become someone who has forgot what is human touch. I analyze so much that everything seems useless. My confidence gets a big big hit when I can't decipher the codes of life, and when others who were not that great once are now achieving great heights of glory. 

Am I alone here ? Is there no one here who is facing the same problem as I am. Why can't I find anyone who is like me and can understand me. Well, I am a loser. I just don't want to get better. People don't think too much and are not always judging their actions on a moral scale. I do. I do it every time and hence, I lose focus and just start thinking instead of doing. No one will remember the things I thought, every thing that they will remember is my work - my actions. Action speaks louder than words do, yes, but they do so even more than thoughts do. I lost a friend recently. No he/she is not dead, but is not going to talk to me anymore. Things became complicated and finally ended. It was abrupt and I was fine with it for few days, but I realized that he/she was proving to be good distraction from all these thoughts. I was enjoying the TIME classes but my recent failures in solving simple math problems have brought me down to my knees. I am trying to get up but I can't. I am just tired of failures. I don't know when this slump will end, but I hope it does soon. The child in me has already committed suicide, and now I see negative in every aspect of life. Fear has taken over my soul and I just can't do anything without shaky hands. Is it the effect of excessive internet/computer usage or am I really mentally sick right now ? I don't know the answer, and presently, I don't want to know. I go to sleep with dreadful thoughts that I am going to die a virgin, and I will never get to love anyone or receive love from anyone. Even if someone loves me, I will drive him/her away as I am this skeptical bastard. I have forgot to trust people, and to share thoughts - my thoughts, not my neighbor's thoughts. I can't talk to people. I fear the crowd. I just like to watch them from a distance.

I fear my past. Still, the waste of my college life, supposed to be the golden years of my life, has been haunting me. I can't call myself an engineer. I regret that I didn't pay attention during my college days. My actions during those time were horribly disoriented and there was no one who could tell me that I was not doing the right thing in a right way. I lost my sole strength - my intelligence. My innocence was brutally killed and it has been buried very deep in the corners of my pitiful life. My stream has changed. I have become a non-innovate salary crunching individual who has apparently lost his individuality in the crowd. I used to do things because I loved to do those, but now I feel I am not doing those things any more. I used to play, I used to sing, I used to create music. All that is gone now. I will not say that the music in me is dead, but it is not able to come out due to all the fucking shit in my head.

I see my brothers and sisters, and I feel jealous. I see joy and focus in their eyes. They have somehow figured out the code of life. They are enjoying friendships, failures, successes, and are doing it with great attitude. I wish I was one among them, and could share my life with such great cousins. Being the eldest, I am alone at the top and everyone hides stuff from me and don't really care for me that much. I was once the golden boy of my family, but I am the rogue boy who always fails.

My eyes hurt now, bye.