Scribbling: No reset button left

Originally written: Approx Dec 2015-Jan 2016

Well, yes. I am back here and that too after a really long time. And whenever I am here, it is because something has gone wrong and I need someone to talk to or express my thoughts to. This time I am really stuck, and have no where to go. I don't know what career I want, I don't know whom I want to be with, I don't know what kind of a person would make me happy and so many other - "I don't know"s. 

The base on which I had been living my life has been shaken from the roots. I can't even write about those things here. The net result of all those things is that I am not what I thought I was. I am not a hero, I am not even a zero. I am no one, and have achieved nothing despite studying from the elitist colleges and schools of the country. 

I have a very big ego which needs to be satisfied at all cost. I just can't value the love I receive from people, be it friends or family or anyone. I remain in such an air of ego that I forget to appreciate and thank them back. I treat them like an invaluable item and take them for granted. On the top of this, I don't say anything which would make my image go wrong in front of anyone. 

Week 0: Updates

Way back in 2009, I used to keep track of the updates/achievements in my life by which I could say that there is healthy progress in my life, and I am planning to start it all over again. The reason is pretty straightforward - Focus and ambition. I need a reason to do things and keeping track of those things, and feeling confident helps a lot in keeping up the enthusiasm to do new things.

I have been very lazy in the last year. I don't feel like doing anything or learning anything new mainly because I don't see the ultimate objective of doing new things. I realized that sometimes one needs to keep one's head down and do things without asking too many questions or analyzing too much.

Life has changed a lot since 2009, but yes the method and the approach remains the same to make a come back. 

Strategy is the art of closing doors

The title is a quote by one of my professors in my recent Alma mater. The aptness of the quote I have realized from time to time but today I have actually felt it. The reason being that my life's strategy has faced a closed door. It is a medical door, as I have a disability which might reduce by life span to 45 years, which means another 16 years to go.

But, in a way, it seems to be helpful. Now, I have to focus on extremely important things which will keep me happy for the rest of the time I have. Interestingly, isn't this the only way to lead the life, however long it might be? I got distracted for a while. I was trying to get the maximum of everything - the best in everything. Now, I have limited choices to make, and limited expectations. 

Even when we talk of generic business strategies, one of them is Focus. So, that is the strategy left for me now, and it makes me feel comfortable too. Less things to worry about, and also I am in a totally unique market position where there are very few players. 

And yes, I cried. But, it really helped. A pressure from within my heart was released. Now, I felt lighter as expected. Next step is to figure out how not to let my parents see me die or see me in a terrible state of health. Let's see how to accomplish this. 

Memories, no more...

Today I deleted her audio samples from the phone, an act which shows that I am fed up. Generally, I never do so with memories, but I had to do this. 

Nobody, not a single soul, will see or realize how much pain I felt while doing so and how I wanted to cry, because no one would believe I did cry after doing that. I still have the photos but now I cannot hear her voice. 

A Life Destroyed

Some people say that I destroyed a life recently. Well, the fact is even my life is destroyed. My guilt levels are at an all time high. My self confidence is gone. I can't apply my brain to anything - not even music. Finance concepts are something that appear alien to me. Physically, I feel tired and feverish all the time now. The internal balance and peace are gone. I thought work would be exciting. It is actually. But, I have no energy, be it physical or mental, to pursue and learn at the potential I had or have. I just can't think clearly. If I go this way, I have to live life like a puppet. If I go the other way, my life may end as I know it. 

Every little beautiful memory had been torn apart. Be it a harmless laugh with a friend, a song written for an almost terminal stranger or even my academic credentials, every such a little thing has been maligned. Earlier, I used to live with a hope that future beholds the great times. But, the future is here and there is nothing great here. All I have is guilt. I have hurt someone badly is all my brain can register and nothing else. I need a change. The situation at home has also been maligned by it. The balance was so beautiful, so adorable but it is all gone now. Fights, anger and rage has taken over. There is internal turmoil and very little patience for anything. Acceptance and gratitude has taken a back seat.
I need to start from zero again. The battle is on again. Let's see who wins it.