Scribbling: To someone with whom I am(was) obssessed

I am not going to mention any names here, as it might affect the life I have right now and may hurt a lot of people. But, anyway I had to write it out for the record because may be I won't actually remember her 1-2 years from now.

We met only 4 times but I felt a connection with her on some level. I always felt there is some kind of a tension between us. Not only from my side but from her side too. There was some irrational pull towards her. Of course, I was already with someone so I didn't pursue it in action but my thoughts were wandering. Also, it was a lost cause because she was going away for further studies in few weeks. At times, I felt like crying thinking of this situation. But of course, I distracted myself given the training I had for the past 10 years or so. I ignored her and focused more and more on my present girlfriend. I am good at being someone who can easily get distracted for a long period of time.

Her voice still lingers in my ears, and I remember her smile and eyes. When I met her, I had nothing, no expectations whatsoever but as I came to know more of her, I kept unfolding new sides to her. She is humble, she is patient, she is adjusting. May be all these are premature illusions but that is what has remained of her in my mind. She is gone now for sure. I will live a life without her or even without actually knowing her.

I so want to jot down few of the memories here, but I shouldn't. This is the minimum sacrifice I have to make in order to maintain some peace in my life. I hope to forget her soon. Till then, Sunday mornings will be cruel.

Scribbling: No reset button left

Originally written: Approx Dec 2015-Jan 2016

Well, yes. I am back here and that too after a really long time. And whenever I am here, it is because something has gone wrong and I need someone to talk to or express my thoughts to. This time I am really stuck, and have no where to go. I don't know what career I want, I don't know whom I want to be with, I don't know what kind of a person would make me happy and so many other - "I don't know"s. 

The base on which I had been living my life has been shaken from the roots. I can't even write about those things here. The net result of all those things is that I am not what I thought I was. I am not a hero, I am not even a zero. I am no one, and have achieved nothing despite studying from the elitist colleges and schools of the country. 

I have a very big ego which needs to be satisfied at all cost. I just can't value the love I receive from people, be it friends or family or anyone. I remain in such an air of ego that I forget to appreciate and thank them back. I treat them like an invaluable item and take them for granted. On the top of this, I don't say anything which would make my image go wrong in front of anyone. 

Week 0: Updates

Way back in 2009, I used to keep track of the updates/achievements in my life by which I could say that there is healthy progress in my life, and I am planning to start it all over again. The reason is pretty straightforward - Focus and ambition. I need a reason to do things and keeping track of those things, and feeling confident helps a lot in keeping up the enthusiasm to do new things.

I have been very lazy in the last year. I don't feel like doing anything or learning anything new mainly because I don't see the ultimate objective of doing new things. I realized that sometimes one needs to keep one's head down and do things without asking too many questions or analyzing too much.

Life has changed a lot since 2009, but yes the method and the approach remains the same to make a come back. 

Strategy is the art of closing doors

The title is a quote by one of my professors in my recent Alma mater. The aptness of the quote I have realized from time to time but today I have actually felt it. The reason being that my life's strategy has faced a closed door. It is a medical door, as I have a disability which might reduce by life span to 45 years, which means another 16 years to go.

But, in a way, it seems to be helpful. Now, I have to focus on extremely important things which will keep me happy for the rest of the time I have. Interestingly, isn't this the only way to lead the life, however long it might be? I got distracted for a while. I was trying to get the maximum of everything - the best in everything. Now, I have limited choices to make, and limited expectations. 

Even when we talk of generic business strategies, one of them is Focus. So, that is the strategy left for me now, and it makes me feel comfortable too. Less things to worry about, and also I am in a totally unique market position where there are very few players. 

And yes, I cried. But, it really helped. A pressure from within my heart was released. Now, I felt lighter as expected. Next step is to figure out how not to let my parents see me die or see me in a terrible state of health. Let's see how to accomplish this. 

Memories, no more...

Today I deleted her audio samples from the phone, an act which shows that I am fed up. Generally, I never do so with memories, but I had to do this. 

Nobody, not a single soul, will see or realize how much pain I felt while doing so and how I wanted to cry, because no one would believe I did cry after doing that. I still have the photos but now I cannot hear her voice.