Please someone make me cry

I realize now. My life has practically ended. I have nothing left inside. I can't say what I want to. I am all alone though I am surrounded by people. I can't tell them that I have become a wrong doer. Whatever I do or think is wrong. I get null respect, but I have to show all the respect and politeness to others. Am I suffering from a hidden case of depression ? Will I never be happy again? Here again I am right, because this is Karma, and I believe in it. 

My to-be-wife keeps telling me what to do and what not-to do. Apparently, I have to change a lot. She told me we need not talk on phone once she is in Mumbai, but she calls every night. Is she a hypocrite ? I have no life left now. I hardly think of my personal growth now. I am stuck in a terrible job. I have become fat and weak. I wish I could turn back time and go to those times when I had a purpose in life.

I am really tired now. How much can I fake it ? I am even cancelling all plans to just meet her. Music is the last thing now. It doesn't give me that pleasure now. Mainly, because I am afraid all the time. There is a fear residing inside me. Also, she considers Music a noise. She said my house is always noisy because people keep singing. I pray to God that I have enough money in future so that I can build a sound proof room for music.

This is for the record that I am making a huge mistake. I am not only destroying my life but also destroying two families and many more connected lives. I hardly feel happy anymore. But she is hardly concerned about my happiness. All the time she keeps telling me how she is feeling, what is bad for her, what is good for her. She is always wanting more and more.

She is a ridiculous person. She wants something and she does the opposite of it. She wants people to be polite to her but instead she is extremely rude to people. Her words over the phone hurt me like nails being hammered in my heart. But, I guess, I, being a fool, keep her calm by accepting whatever shit she throws at me. She, however, is not ready to take any of the shit I throw at her. She wants to just hear good stuff about her by doing nothing. She feels her sacrifices and changes are way more. She complains about them and quotes them at the same time. I just can't talk to her in a way where I can speak my mind. It is extremely tough to communicate with her. 

She lives in a dreamy world, and she tells me that I am far away from real world. I was a confident man before I met her, and now, all my energy has been sucked away by her. She makes fun of me and my weaknesses, but she is not ready to listen or discuss her weaknesses. She has no strength as a person. She just uses me a punching bag and has zero patience. 

I am observing her closely a lot. I see that lot of my speculations have been correct. She thinks that being in Kolkata was the best for her. But, then why didn't she do stuff there which she liked. Fact of the matter is that she just likes to laze around and do nothing. She wants life to just pass her by where she will just be the audience - watch everyone do things, while she sits and eats pizza. She is a terrible listener. In an argument, she has closed up her mind so much that she is not ready to change her beliefs at all. She thinks that there is only one way of living a life, and that is hers. She is not ready to change at all, while I, the biggest fool, am here who is thinking every moment of how not to piss her off.

I have realized that crying once a while helps me calm down and live one day at time. I am done with all the youtube videos which have made me cry. I can't feel the connect with those videos anymore. I am so heartless and emotionless that I have turned into a brick.

Scribbling: Why so lost ?

Date: 17th July 2016

I am not deeply involved in anything right now. I feel I am touching only the surface in everything and not thinking everything through. I have taken a few decisions which are going to stay for life, but I am not sure about them at all. The feel about those decisions keep on changing all the time. Sometimes I feel very happy and sometimes I feel I have made a blunder. But now I have no option left. I have to go through with the decision simply because so many people have been involved in this, and it would be a huge huge mess if I decide to run away. In plain terms, I wish time had stopped now and let me be for a uncertainly long period of time. Once I have figured it out, time could start again and I can take decisions again. 

I am too tired right now, and hence not doing anything. Be it job, home, relationship or anything, I am just drifting. I am actually in a dual state. Sometimes I feel that I am extremely wrong about all the things and that I need to change drastically for the life I have chosen, but sometimes I feel I have so much to offer and hence I deserve some slack in the usual responsibilities.

With the relationship I am in, I am not growing. In fact, I am losing energy most of the time. I will not say there are no happy times but energy is surely drawn from me. I wish I was with someone who was a bit more chilled out with lesser expectations from me. Someone who was a bit more adjusting. By the way, all this is my foolish mind speaking. 

In reality, the other person might be too adjusting and understanding, but I am not able to feel that because I don't see the other alternative. But that is where the problem lies. Why do I need to put in so much effort into understanding all this and then at the end of it be blamed for not able to perform. I know I have problems but I don't seem to be very frank about things with her. If I do, then she would be hurt because she can't handle criticism all the time, and I am someone who sees problems all the time and tries to resolve them. I can't randomly start saying good things about someone. In my mind, they need to prove themselves to be of my worth. More importantly, they shouldn't frown or show anger at the slightest discomfort from my side. 

Wait, I am writing random shit. I need to calm down and think very patiently. Let's jot down few things about me and then have a discussion about whether they are wrong or right. Honestly, I don't believe in right and wrong per say, but there has to be something consistent or fair.

My apparent bad qualities:

1. I don't have the capability to appreciate people: Yes, this is true. I don't appreciate often mainly because I want that appreciation to really stand out and make a difference in their life. Yes, this road has dissatisfaction and frustration all over it, but if one is patient with me on this, he/she can see great difference in future. This has happened in the past too. All those who have spent many years with me will know that when they do really good and have reached their potential, I have appreciated them wholeheartedly. I appreciate efforts too, and I don't like insincerity. This is one big problem with her. She is not sincere and she makes no efforts on being sincere. But she keeps complaining on how her life is messed up and how her weaknesses can't be discussed. If I dare tell her that she needs to improve, she will flare up and the discussion ends there. All that I can do is just shut up and agree with her. This causes a subdued hatred towards her and it is always there back of my mind while talking or interacting with her. 

2. I have a big ego: Again, I agree. This is really a big problem. I live on a thin line between humility and being egoistic. I cross over to both the sides often, may be mostly on the latter side. This is something I need to work on but I am not getting the proper environment to work on it. From time to time, I keep getting lessons on how I should control my ego, and that creates frustration in me. As a result, I need to keep telling myself that I am very good so that I can keep my confidence levels high and keep moving ahead in my life. As few say, the show must go on. However, I need to be more, much more, in fact much much more patient. I was patient once, mainly because I had hope of a better life in future. But now there is no such hope. I only see a life of adjustments and maintenance.

Reading the above two points in totality, I can clearly see how she might be feeling about criticism. She is also not getting an environment where she can recover. But, for both of us, we must act on our bad qualities and appreciate each other's efforts even if it is minuscule. 

To be Continued...

Scribbling: To someone with whom I am(was) obssessed

I am not going to mention any names here, as it might affect the life I have right now and may hurt a lot of people. But, anyway I had to write it out for the record because may be I won't actually remember her 1-2 years from now.

We met only 4 times but I felt a connection with her on some level. I always felt there is some kind of a tension between us. Not only from my side but from her side too. There was some irrational pull towards her. Of course, I was already with someone so I didn't pursue it in action but my thoughts were wandering. Also, it was a lost cause because she was going away for further studies in few weeks. At times, I felt like crying thinking of this situation. But of course, I distracted myself given the training I had for the past 10 years or so. I ignored her and focused more and more on my present girlfriend. I am good at being someone who can easily get distracted for a long period of time.

Her voice still lingers in my ears, and I remember her smile and eyes. When I met her, I had nothing, no expectations whatsoever but as I came to know more of her, I kept unfolding new sides to her. She is humble, she is patient, she is adjusting. May be all these are premature illusions but that is what has remained of her in my mind. She is gone now for sure. I will live a life without her or even without actually knowing her.

I so want to jot down few of the memories here, but I shouldn't. This is the minimum sacrifice I have to make in order to maintain some peace in my life. I hope to forget her soon. Till then, Sunday mornings will be cruel.

Scribbling: No reset button left

Originally written: Approx Dec 2015-Jan 2016

Well, yes. I am back here and that too after a really long time. And whenever I am here, it is because something has gone wrong and I need someone to talk to or express my thoughts to. This time I am really stuck, and have no where to go. I don't know what career I want, I don't know whom I want to be with, I don't know what kind of a person would make me happy and so many other - "I don't know"s. 

The base on which I had been living my life has been shaken from the roots. I can't even write about those things here. The net result of all those things is that I am not what I thought I was. I am not a hero, I am not even a zero. I am no one, and have achieved nothing despite studying from the elitist colleges and schools of the country. 

I have a very big ego which needs to be satisfied at all cost. I just can't value the love I receive from people, be it friends or family or anyone. I remain in such an air of ego that I forget to appreciate and thank them back. I treat them like an invaluable item and take them for granted. On the top of this, I don't say anything which would make my image go wrong in front of anyone. 

Week 0: Updates

Way back in 2009, I used to keep track of the updates/achievements in my life by which I could say that there is healthy progress in my life, and I am planning to start it all over again. The reason is pretty straightforward - Focus and ambition. I need a reason to do things and keeping track of those things, and feeling confident helps a lot in keeping up the enthusiasm to do new things.

I have been very lazy in the last year. I don't feel like doing anything or learning anything new mainly because I don't see the ultimate objective of doing new things. I realized that sometimes one needs to keep one's head down and do things without asking too many questions or analyzing too much.

Life has changed a lot since 2009, but yes the method and the approach remains the same to make a come back.