Diary 60: Sad Day

Yesterday I slept at around 4:30 am. I finished the season 9th of CSI:Miami, so now I don't have any episodes to watch. Today I woke up at around 10:00 am. I was feeling sleepy, but I didn't want to sleep. I brushed my teeth, had some breakfast, and then moved on to checking mails etc. I got a mail from Gil, saying that we have an all team call at 8:30 pm, where everyone would be there. Then, I moved on to look for MBA colleges. Well, this is when the day turned the other side. I got very depressed and felt sad that I couldn't convert the IIM calls or ISB call. I realized that I have to start all over again, and that I missed out a golden opportunity. I stopped looking out for more options, and slept for a while. Then, I had some general chat with my sister. I even wrote a new post on the blog, to calm my inner feelings. It helped. I finally returned to the normal state and accepted my situation. Then, I just browsed generally through the web, searching through random things. Then, I had my lunch. After that, I watched the discovery channel for a while before moving to my room. My sister followed me there and started working on some holiday homework. I also started with JAVA. In between, I was helping my sister with her project work too. Then, I got a call from the Webprint guy, and I asked him few questions and doubts I had regarding the project. I felt bad that I had to keep him waiting for so long. I called up Akshay and Dallas immediately but they didn't seem interested and were busy in their office work. Anyways, I continued with the JAVA thing late into the evening. Then, I had some Tea, and there I even discussed the problem of MBA thing with my mom. She asked me to keep trying and not give up. I was relieved that I discussed all this. After that, I moved back to my room for the 8:30 call. It started a bit late, also Ankit and Sushma were missing because they were also sick supposedly. Anyways, the call went on till around 9:30 pm. After that call, I continued with JAVA for a while, and then started writing this diary. Meanwhile, I was also watching some random Youtube videos. Next, I plan to just watch more random videos, continue with JAVA, and then sleep by 2:00 am.

Scribbling 5: The Return of Fear

Yesterday before sleeping, I finished with the 9th season of CSI:Miami. Well, I was relieved in a way that now I am focus on more important things in life or 'seemingly' more important things such as MBA. This one degree has caused a lot of havoc in my life. Constant pestering from my parents has led me to believe that MBA is the sole purpose of my life. In my opinion, that is completely untrue. I like to follow knowledge and innovation. I like to follow my heart and do what I do best. I don't like jumping on to things just because everyone feels it is the right path for me. People in my life look down upon me just because they feel that I am not there where I can be. I feel agitated and frustrated. Fear develops and creeps in within me.

Today morning, when I woke up, I realized that there is no CSI:Miami episode to look out for. I had nothing else to do as there was no new project on the job front. There was JAVA, and I will continue that no matter what - mainly because I am gaining a new form of knowledge and capability there. I can see the things which I am building. I can think from the scratch, and also it is helping me at my job front also, because the tools that I am using are all JAVA based. But, I started my day by looking out for my MBA options. It was a bad choice. It revived the fear that I was so successfully avoiding.

The past one and the half months have been an amazing journey. I followed my heart during this time. There was no fear or doubt of failure. I was very proud of my achievements, howsoever small they might be. I stopped making comparisons. I felt the same old confidence that I felt when I was in Jodhpur - the golden period of my life. I was at my innovative best, which can be seen from my efforts towards FeastHunt. In reality, I learned more about business this time than any other time when I was fighting for MBA options. I felt the difference between practical and theory. Moreover, I was finally able to enjoy the time spent with my family, the thing that was missing for quite a while now. I laughed along with my sister, and my mom. I could talk without any guilt about anything. I didn't bully my sister. In fact, I realized that my sister was a mirror of my actions. It was me who was responsible for many of her shortcomings. But, now instead of feeling guilty and depressed about it, I acted towards it. I enjoyed time with her. I encouraged her. I managed to make her understand things in a peaceful and productive way.

I don't know how long will this phase of Euphoria last. The events of the morning didn't help my cause. I was dragged back to that same old fear. Inside my heart, I am not ready for this. I will find it tough to convince any B school to take me in. I don't have a reason for doing MBA. But yes, if I am given such an opportunity I am sure I will generate great returns from it. My recent past may not reflect the perfect profile for an MBA candidate, and that is what causes me to back out. I don't have fancy leadership points or entrepreneurial ventures at the college level. I always have the guilt of not doing anything during my college years. Just going through the courses, and aiming to be a musician didn't lead me anywhere. I had already realized it during my final year. I often feel the lack of a mentor or a guide in my life, who would understand me and hone my strengths. 

But anyways, I have to start again. It doesn't matter how low it makes me feel, I need to overcome it. The sooner I do it, the better it is.