Save me

I am pretty damn fucked right now. I feel like my life is just moving along and I just can't do anything about it. I feel aimless. My eyes have become weaker. I have stopped going to gym and so I even feel physically weak. I spend the whole day in my room, watching mindless movies and occasionally worrying about MBA. Whenever I think about it, I go blank. I have failed so many times that now it seems that it is something I am not meant to do. It is just fucking up my brain. In addition, I have no one to discuss all this stuff with. No friends, offline or online. No one. Occasional meetings with random people from TIME is not what I call actual friendship. They don't know that I am going to appear for CAT, the fourth time. I have heard them made fun of a guy they know who is also going to attempt for the fourth time. I didn't respond then. Presently, I am an addict. I wake up everyday, brush my teeth, and just start watching movies. Random movies, which may not even have seen the light of a theater. I hate myself right now. I could use this time so effectively. I could work on my essays, get done with TOEFL, get my transcripts from the college, apply to various other places, learn web application programming, enhance my Unix shell scripting and what not. But here I am, just losing my way and focus. I need a mentor who can hold my hands and lead me to the correct path. Someone who would drag me out of my bed and give me hope that I can. 

I seem to have become someone who has forgot what is human touch. I analyze so much that everything seems useless. My confidence gets a big big hit when I can't decipher the codes of life, and when others who were not that great once are now achieving great heights of glory. 

Am I alone here ? Is there no one here who is facing the same problem as I am. Why can't I find anyone who is like me and can understand me. Well, I am a loser. I just don't want to get better. People don't think too much and are not always judging their actions on a moral scale. I do. I do it every time and hence, I lose focus and just start thinking instead of doing. No one will remember the things I thought, every thing that they will remember is my work - my actions. Action speaks louder than words do, yes, but they do so even more than thoughts do. I lost a friend recently. No he/she is not dead, but is not going to talk to me anymore. Things became complicated and finally ended. It was abrupt and I was fine with it for few days, but I realized that he/she was proving to be good distraction from all these thoughts. I was enjoying the TIME classes but my recent failures in solving simple math problems have brought me down to my knees. I am trying to get up but I can't. I am just tired of failures. I don't know when this slump will end, but I hope it does soon. The child in me has already committed suicide, and now I see negative in every aspect of life. Fear has taken over my soul and I just can't do anything without shaky hands. Is it the effect of excessive internet/computer usage or am I really mentally sick right now ? I don't know the answer, and presently, I don't want to know. I go to sleep with dreadful thoughts that I am going to die a virgin, and I will never get to love anyone or receive love from anyone. Even if someone loves me, I will drive him/her away as I am this skeptical bastard. I have forgot to trust people, and to share thoughts - my thoughts, not my neighbor's thoughts. I can't talk to people. I fear the crowd. I just like to watch them from a distance.

I fear my past. Still, the waste of my college life, supposed to be the golden years of my life, has been haunting me. I can't call myself an engineer. I regret that I didn't pay attention during my college days. My actions during those time were horribly disoriented and there was no one who could tell me that I was not doing the right thing in a right way. I lost my sole strength - my intelligence. My innocence was brutally killed and it has been buried very deep in the corners of my pitiful life. My stream has changed. I have become a non-innovate salary crunching individual who has apparently lost his individuality in the crowd. I used to do things because I loved to do those, but now I feel I am not doing those things any more. I used to play, I used to sing, I used to create music. All that is gone now. I will not say that the music in me is dead, but it is not able to come out due to all the fucking shit in my head.

I see my brothers and sisters, and I feel jealous. I see joy and focus in their eyes. They have somehow figured out the code of life. They are enjoying friendships, failures, successes, and are doing it with great attitude. I wish I was one among them, and could share my life with such great cousins. Being the eldest, I am alone at the top and everyone hides stuff from me and don't really care for me that much. I was once the golden boy of my family, but I am the rogue boy who always fails.

My eyes hurt now, bye.