Well, I was in a mood to write a few lines but such is life now that I have to postpone it. I know I am making it sound like a great sacrifice but really I am now used to it. Somehow I need to figure out a way to handle this. I am able to handle a lot more things now, but sometimes I fail. I guess failure is the most obvious thing in marriage/relationship. The more you fail, the more the relationship wins. But always remember to forget the failure. Rather embrace it and be happy about failing.
- 19th Dec 2016
Nowadays, I get so many one liners in my head which are sort of conclusions about a lot of things, but I have postponed writing them down. As a result, I have forgotten all and now I need to write a few random opening lines to get me in the groove. Any normal writer might find it sort of a show off or laziness, but as this is for personal consumption, I hardly care.
"If you say something too many times, it becomes the truth"
Now, take the case of my client. They kept saying they don't have money to pay back to the lenders for the last 1.5 years and now it has become a reality. Meanwhile, they might be merrily siphoning off money to complete their next real estate project under the head of Horticulture expenses, Maintenance Capital expenditures etc.
Well, same goes for personal relationships. Earlier, I used to think that I should be completely open about how I feel, and hence react accordingly. But, now I am stuck in this marriage where I need to say few things again and again so that they become the truth. Things like - "I have no issues", "I adore you", "You are the most beautiful woman in this world", "You are not fat", "I am totally fine with it", etc. Not only marriage, this is valid for all relationships - even close family. Not all the things I say are untrue, but a part of the things are completely false. The logic behind this is that - "It makes the other person HAPPY". Since half of my life has passed with the logic of - "It makes ME happy", I can live with this new logic from now on in a new found way of rationality.
I see so many contradictions in my life partner that I can decimate her logic in few minutes, but the thing stopping me is "It would make her feel HURT". And in turn it would cause a lot of trouble in our lives. So, the best thing to do is to quietly listen and agree - The typical husband reaction. And since she would keep accusing me of things when she complains many many times, it would ultimately become the truth, even if 75% of those are true. The result of all this - "a HAPPY married life". Congratulations.
"Your life is only your responsibility"
This is important. I learned it the hard way. Thanks to my life partner again. Here, I completely agree with her. I used to wish earlier that my life partner would be the door and inspiration for my goals and dreams in life, but now I have concluded that no one can be held responsible for my failure to move ahead in life or to chase my dreams. The only thing to be careful is - "Don't deceive anyone". That is outright bad. But, please take care of yourself and don't expect the other person to understand even an iota of what your dreams are all about, leave alone support you. The other person will constantly stop you and ask you to be answerable for your irresponsibility towards her resulting from your trade off/choice. You need to be brave enough to handle this. It will be very tough. It is like an investment with negative returns, but you can't escape investing. Good luck.
"Fuck efficiency, go for inefficiency"
This is again a liberating lesson I gained from my life partner. I was so foolishly caught up in making things efficient and orderly, that I forgot to have fun. I was trying to put everything in one bracket. This means that I used to assume that what applies to excel formula, also applies to life/relationships. Although, this has given me great success in my academic and professional career, this won't help me in maintaining relationships. So, I stopped caring if the driver took that longer route, spent on various things without researching and hence tried to live in the moment as much as possible. And it is great fun because there is no need to think about long term. It reduces the immediate stress a lot, and my grey cells are finally free to think of other things - plan the next holiday trip. Even if you follow efficiency in some aspects of your own life, don't ever expect the other person to do that. So, just relax.
"Don't try to teach/help your life partner unless she asks for"
Whatever be the situation, don't ever try to be the snob. I was so immature before I learned it the hard way - lots of accusations of being a snob and not a humble person. I thought that how I used to help others solve a mathematics problem in my school/college would also translate to how I help my life partner in various other things which I know in and out. Here, you should give your life partner the opportunity to fail again and again. And every time she fails, you have to support her and take her out of trouble. But don't expect that she will ever learn or thank or even appreciate you. For her, it is your duty and responsibility. Welcome to a normal relationship.
"Keep those friendships alive"
If you are someone who feels free, liberated and happy after meeting friends, then please invest very heavily into those friendships. Mainly because these friendships will give you the peak of happiness which your romantic relationship can never deliver. In geeky terms, the return on investment is way more in friendships than in a romantic relationship. But one catch here is - your friends might not like that you are intruding in their lives. In that case, you have to maintain the fine balance and not get them stressed out.
This is an awesome advice from my uncle. I never thought it this way before. I used to get caught in the loop that - "Why should I do it?". But once he said this, everything became crystal clear. I am right now approaching the age of 30, so it will be soon that I will be 35 and then 40. At that time, I won't be able to do a lot of things and I will regret why I didn't do them before when I was young, energetic, "hopeful" and in good health. On the top of all this, I will be scolded that time that I never did anything (which I will get scolded anyway). Further, it will lead to new experiences and more opportunities to see the world from a different perspective. Hence, get up and get running. The pain of doing that thing initially may even be compensated later, but again don't expect it. Since I don't have money problems, I can even take an Uber/Ola.
"Don't tell everything, keep something to take away in your grave"
Don't take this as cheating. Obviously tell 99% of the things to your life partner, but don't tell her every minute detail of things. This is because it will maintain a peaceful atmosphere in the house, and also it will give you chance to reassess a lot of things. It will also help you correct yourself in your mind without causing any havoc on the other person. In a way, you will correct yourself and the other person would feel it rather than see the process. People, generally, don't like the process, they like the result more and hence, don't tell everything upfront. You may get bashed due to this from time to time, but be brave and strong. So, in conclusion, it is like a combination of patience and learning. Somewhere in the journey, if you feel your life partner is wrong then don't tell her that, instead prevent her from damaging herself too much without telling her that you did it. You have to protect her, but do not expect the same from her.
"In the long run, you will die alone, so live in the moment"
Ultimately, barring everything, you will die alone. No one is going to be the partner on the journey beyond this world. So, please relax and grow yourselves. Focus on now. As I learned from a movie recently - "No moment is an ordinary moment. Something is going on every moment". Not that I didn't know this earlier, but I just need to recollect my own conclusions from past so boost my present. The movie taught me another thing - "Let go of the bullshit that is going on in your head". It is very true for me at present. If I really focus on the thing I am doing in this moment, then nothing can stop me from being happy. It is the modern version of the saying - "Karm karo, phal ki ichcha mat karo". Focus or lack of it can change the game altogether. Focus can help one reach another level in whatever they are doing. If you are constantly stuck in past or future, you can't live in present. All this might not seem to be linked to your life partner, but it is. You need to figure out how to deal with her and also how to focus on things you love. This is a constant struggle.
PS: This post took one week to complete as I was able to write it in bits and pieces, but during this one week, my mood changed a lot and hence my writing seems tough and mild in various places. I learned a lot about myself too and I am relatively happier than I was at the start of the week.
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