Strategy is the art of closing doors

The title is a quote by one of my professors in my recent Alma mater. The aptness of the quote I have realized from time to time but today I have actually felt it. The reason being that my life's strategy has faced a closed door. It is a medical door, as I have a disability which might reduce by life span to 45 years, which means another 16 years to go.

But, in a way, it seems to be helpful. Now, I have to focus on extremely important things which will keep me happy for the rest of the time I have. Interestingly, isn't this the only way to lead the life, however long it might be? I got distracted for a while. I was trying to get the maximum of everything - the best in everything. Now, I have limited choices to make, and limited expectations. 

Even when we talk of generic business strategies, one of them is Focus. So, that is the strategy left for me now, and it makes me feel comfortable too. Less things to worry about, and also I am in a totally unique market position where there are very few players. 

And yes, I cried. But, it really helped. A pressure from within my heart was released. Now, I felt lighter as expected. Next step is to figure out how not to let my parents see me die or see me in a terrible state of health. Let's see how to accomplish this. 

Memories, no more...

Today I deleted her audio samples from the phone, an act which shows that I am fed up. Generally, I never do so with memories, but I had to do this. 

Nobody, not a single soul, will see or realize how much pain I felt while doing so and how I wanted to cry, because no one would believe I did cry after doing that. I still have the photos but now I cannot hear her voice. 

A Life Destroyed

Some people say that I destroyed a life recently. Well, the fact is even my life is destroyed. My guilt levels are at an all time high. My self confidence is gone. I can't apply my brain to anything - not even music. Finance concepts are something that appear alien to me. Physically, I feel tired and feverish all the time now. The internal balance and peace are gone. I thought work would be exciting. It is actually. But, I have no energy, be it physical or mental, to pursue and learn at the potential I had or have. I just can't think clearly. If I go this way, I have to live life like a puppet. If I go the other way, my life may end as I know it. 

Every little beautiful memory had been torn apart. Be it a harmless laugh with a friend, a song written for an almost terminal stranger or even my academic credentials, every such a little thing has been maligned. Earlier, I used to live with a hope that future beholds the great times. But, the future is here and there is nothing great here. All I have is guilt. I have hurt someone badly is all my brain can register and nothing else. I need a change. The situation at home has also been maligned by it. The balance was so beautiful, so adorable but it is all gone now. Fights, anger and rage has taken over. There is internal turmoil and very little patience for anything. Acceptance and gratitude has taken a back seat.
I need to start from zero again. The battle is on again. Let's see who wins it.

Songs till date

This post is just a simple collection of songs that I know how to play in guitar. May be not perfectly, but still somehow and with almost 95% accuracy. It is measured with respect to the closeness to the original in terms of timing and guitar chords. Here, I am mostly referring to the rhythm guitar.

Further, I have also recorded some songs, though with limited knowledge, just because I was desperate to see how it comes. I have added a section on that too. 

And Finally, I have performed few with minimum possible knowledge and in the fastest way possible.

This post will help me figure out how perfectly I need to know the chords of songs and keep a tab on songs which I could perform whenever someone asks or something comes up.

I know:
1. Wonderwall (Oasis)
2. Sun Raha hai
3. Galliyan
4. Yaaron Dosti
5. Kholo Kholo (TZP)
6. Paani Da Rang
7. Aashayein (Iqbal)
8. Comfortably Numb
9. Nothing else matters
10. For Whom the bell tolls
11. Zombie
12. Bheegi Bheegi (Gangster)

I recorded:
Covers
1. Tere Bina (Fuzon)
2. Teri Yaadien (Love Story)
3. Pukaarta Chala Hoon Main
4. Mitwa (KANK)
5. Yaaron Dosti

Originals
1. Saara Jahaan
2. Sabreena
3. Naa Koi
4. Moder Jagaye

I performed:
1. Nadaan Parindey
2. Yeh Jo Desh hai tera
3. Dil se (Different version)
4. Vande Maataram
5. Maaeri
6. Dil Chahta hai
7. Rolling in the Deep
8. O HumDum Suniyo re
9. Dil ko Tumse Pyaar
10. Khamaj (Fuzon)
11. Saawan me lag gayi aag
12. Gulabi Aakhein
13. Jodi tor Daak shune keu (Bengali)
14. Aamake aamar moto (Bengali)

Two years

Past two years, lot of things have changed. But the most important change has been my attitude. When I read my old blog posts, I see so much lack of confidence and enmity for the world around, but now I am at peace with those things.  This doesn't mean that I am problem free. New deeper and serious problems have come up.

I have realized that just earning and living a straightforward life is not for me. I have to keep doing something else to keep myself satisfied. It may be something in the domain of my passion - music or anything new which I have not explored yet. But, just drifting through life is not enough for me.

I am now even more confused about love than before. Earlier, I thought I would be very happy to find someone who loves me, but I realized that something is seriously wrong with me in this respect. I am an extreme commitment phobic. I always keep thinking - "What if there is a better possibility in future?". I just can't let this question go out of my head. I don't know whether I would be able to come out of this any sooner, but I will try my best.

I now feel satisfied with my performance in B-school. I have no regrets academically. I ended up in the top 50 (out of 450). I tried to be as attentive and as serious as possible with respect to studies. Also, I earned great respect from my group mates. With respect to placements, I got a decent paying job with least possible pain. I guess my undergraduate college credentials came in handy. 

I am now not so sure about drinking. I had become quite an alcoholic, but the pleasure it used to give me earlier is not the same anymore. Earlier, I would feel free and talk with people whom I used to drink with, but now I just stop talking after drinking, and just try to control myself of any misdoings.

I don't see every girl as a possibility now. In fact, it is quite the contrary. I restrict myself now. Earlier, I used to see the possibility of a girl being the one for me, but I have given up now. With the relationship I am in, howsoever complicated it might be, I somehow am trying to control myself from doing it. It hurts and feels boring but eventually I have to adjust to such a situation. It might seem odd to few, but this is how it is. I am a bit weird in this respect.