Scribbling: Why so lost ?

Date: 17th July 2016

I am not deeply involved in anything right now. I feel I am touching only the surface in everything and not thinking everything through. I have taken a few decisions which are going to stay for life, but I am not sure about them at all. The feel about those decisions keep on changing all the time. Sometimes I feel very happy and sometimes I feel I have made a blunder. But now I have no option left. I have to go through with the decision simply because so many people have been involved in this, and it would be a huge huge mess if I decide to run away. In plain terms, I wish time had stopped now and let me be for a uncertainly long period of time. Once I have figured it out, time could start again and I can take decisions again. 

I am too tired right now, and hence not doing anything. Be it job, home, relationship or anything, I am just drifting. I am actually in a dual state. Sometimes I feel that I am extremely wrong about all the things and that I need to change drastically for the life I have chosen, but sometimes I feel I have so much to offer and hence I deserve some slack in the usual responsibilities.

With the relationship I am in, I am not growing. In fact, I am losing energy most of the time. I will not say there are no happy times but energy is surely drawn from me. I wish I was with someone who was a bit more chilled out with lesser expectations from me. Someone who was a bit more adjusting. By the way, all this is my foolish mind speaking. 

In reality, the other person might be too adjusting and understanding, but I am not able to feel that because I don't see the other alternative. But that is where the problem lies. Why do I need to put in so much effort into understanding all this and then at the end of it be blamed for not able to perform. I know I have problems but I don't seem to be very frank about things with her. If I do, then she would be hurt because she can't handle criticism all the time, and I am someone who sees problems all the time and tries to resolve them. I can't randomly start saying good things about someone. In my mind, they need to prove themselves to be of my worth. More importantly, they shouldn't frown or show anger at the slightest discomfort from my side. 

Wait, I am writing random shit. I need to calm down and think very patiently. Let's jot down few things about me and then have a discussion about whether they are wrong or right. Honestly, I don't believe in right and wrong per say, but there has to be something consistent or fair.

My apparent bad qualities:

1. I don't have the capability to appreciate people: Yes, this is true. I don't appreciate often mainly because I want that appreciation to really stand out and make a difference in their life. Yes, this road has dissatisfaction and frustration all over it, but if one is patient with me on this, he/she can see great difference in future. This has happened in the past too. All those who have spent many years with me will know that when they do really good and have reached their potential, I have appreciated them wholeheartedly. I appreciate efforts too, and I don't like insincerity. This is one big problem with her. She is not sincere and she makes no efforts on being sincere. But she keeps complaining on how her life is messed up and how her weaknesses can't be discussed. If I dare tell her that she needs to improve, she will flare up and the discussion ends there. All that I can do is just shut up and agree with her. This causes a subdued hatred towards her and it is always there back of my mind while talking or interacting with her. 

2. I have a big ego: Again, I agree. This is really a big problem. I live on a thin line between humility and being egoistic. I cross over to both the sides often, may be mostly on the latter side. This is something I need to work on but I am not getting the proper environment to work on it. From time to time, I keep getting lessons on how I should control my ego, and that creates frustration in me. As a result, I need to keep telling myself that I am very good so that I can keep my confidence levels high and keep moving ahead in my life. As few say, the show must go on. However, I need to be more, much more, in fact much much more patient. I was patient once, mainly because I had hope of a better life in future. But now there is no such hope. I only see a life of adjustments and maintenance.

Reading the above two points in totality, I can clearly see how she might be feeling about criticism. She is also not getting an environment where she can recover. But, for both of us, we must act on our bad qualities and appreciate each other's efforts even if it is minuscule. 

To be Continued...