I realize now. My life has practically ended. I have nothing left inside. I can't say what I want to. I am all alone though I am surrounded by people. I can't tell them that I have become a wrong doer. Whatever I do or think is wrong. I get null respect, but I have to show all the respect and politeness to others. Am I suffering from a hidden case of depression ? Will I never be happy again? Here again I am right, because this is Karma, and I believe in it.
My to-be-wife keeps telling me what to do and what not-to do. Apparently, I have to change a lot. She told me we need not talk on phone once she is in Mumbai, but she calls every night. Is she a hypocrite ? I have no life left now. I hardly think of my personal growth now. I am stuck in a terrible job. I have become fat and weak. I wish I could turn back time and go to those times when I had a purpose in life.
I am really tired now. How much can I fake it ? I am even cancelling all plans to just meet her. Music is the last thing now. It doesn't give me that pleasure now. Mainly, because I am afraid all the time. There is a fear residing inside me. Also, she considers Music a noise. She said my house is always noisy because people keep singing. I pray to God that I have enough money in future so that I can build a sound proof room for music.
This is for the record that I am making a huge mistake. I am not only destroying my life but also destroying two families and many more connected lives. I hardly feel happy anymore. But she is hardly concerned about my happiness. All the time she keeps telling me how she is feeling, what is bad for her, what is good for her. She is always wanting more and more.
She is a ridiculous person. She wants something and she does the opposite of it. She wants people to be polite to her but instead she is extremely rude to people. Her words over the phone hurt me like nails being hammered in my heart. But, I guess, I, being a fool, keep her calm by accepting whatever shit she throws at me. She, however, is not ready to take any of the shit I throw at her. She wants to just hear good stuff about her by doing nothing. She feels her sacrifices and changes are way more. She complains about them and quotes them at the same time. I just can't talk to her in a way where I can speak my mind. It is extremely tough to communicate with her.
She lives in a dreamy world, and she tells me that I am far away from real world. I was a confident man before I met her, and now, all my energy has been sucked away by her. She makes fun of me and my weaknesses, but she is not ready to listen or discuss her weaknesses. She has no strength as a person. She just uses me a punching bag and has zero patience.
I am observing her closely a lot. I see that lot of my speculations have been correct. She thinks that being in Kolkata was the best for her. But, then why didn't she do stuff there which she liked. Fact of the matter is that she just likes to laze around and do nothing. She wants life to just pass her by where she will just be the audience - watch everyone do things, while she sits and eats pizza. She is a terrible listener. In an argument, she has closed up her mind so much that she is not ready to change her beliefs at all. She thinks that there is only one way of living a life, and that is hers. She is not ready to change at all, while I, the biggest fool, am here who is thinking every moment of how not to piss her off.
I have realized that crying once a while helps me calm down and live one day at time. I am done with all the youtube videos which have made me cry. I can't feel the connect with those videos anymore. I am so heartless and emotionless that I have turned into a brick.
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