Dear Mom

Life has been very tough for me somehow for the last 3 years. I have made innumerable mistakes and have done irreparable damage to people's lives, be it family or others. But despite all the anger that I show towards you, please understand one thing that - "if there is one person whom I love the most and whom I fear losing the most, it is YOU and DAD". You guys are my guiding light in this dark world. You might think that I have changed a lot during past times and that now I don't respect you and Dad, but it is not at all true. I am only realizing the value of sacrifices and time that you have dedicated towards me. If not for you guys, I wouldn't have been able to reach where I am and accomplish anything close to what I have.

You are right. I am scared, and I have stopped focusing on my own life. But, I hope you understand my situation. Even if you don't, it is OK. I have disappointed you a lot in recent times, and I hope someday I can make you proud again. I feel that my leaving the house would in fact help you all to be what you were before. Don't worry about me, I am just suffering for the sins I have committed in this life.

Scribbling: Marriage

Well, I was in a mood to write a few lines but such is life now that I have to postpone it. I know I am making it sound like a great sacrifice but really I am now used to it. Somehow I need to figure out a way to handle this. I am able to handle a lot more things now, but sometimes I fail. I guess failure is the most obvious thing in marriage/relationship. The more you fail, the more the relationship wins. But always remember to forget the failure. Rather embrace it and be happy about failing.

- 19th Dec 2016

Nowadays, I get so many one liners in my head which are sort of conclusions about a lot of things, but I have postponed writing them down. As a result, I have forgotten all and now I need to write a few random opening lines to get me in the groove. Any normal writer might find it sort of a show off or laziness, but as this is for personal consumption, I hardly care.

"If you say something too many times, it becomes the truth"

Now, take the case of my client. They kept saying they don't have money to pay back to the lenders for the last 1.5 years and now it has become a reality. Meanwhile, they might be merrily siphoning off money to complete their next real estate project under the head of Horticulture expenses, Maintenance Capital expenditures etc. 

Well, same goes for personal relationships. Earlier, I used to think that I should be completely open about how I feel, and hence react accordingly. But, now I am stuck in this marriage where I need to say few things again and again so that they become the truth. Things like - "I have no issues", "I adore you", "You are the most beautiful woman in this world", "You are not fat", "I am totally fine with it", etc. Not only marriage, this is valid for all relationships - even close family. Not all the things I say are untrue, but a part of the things are completely false. The logic behind this is that - "It makes the other person HAPPY". Since half of my life has passed with the logic of - "It makes ME happy", I can live with this new logic from now on in a new found way of rationality.

I see so many contradictions in my life partner that I can decimate her logic in few minutes, but the thing stopping me is "It would make her feel HURT". And in turn it would cause a lot of trouble in our lives. So, the best thing to do is to quietly listen and agree - The typical husband reaction. And since she would keep accusing me of things when she complains many many times, it would ultimately become the truth, even if 75% of those are true. The result of all this - "a HAPPY married life". Congratulations.

"Your life is only your responsibility"

This is important. I learned it the hard way. Thanks to my life partner again. Here, I completely agree with her. I used to wish earlier that my life partner would be the door and inspiration for my goals and dreams in life, but now I have concluded that no one can be held responsible for my failure to move ahead in life or to chase my dreams. The only thing to be careful is - "Don't deceive anyone". That is outright bad. But, please take care of yourself and don't expect the other person to understand even an iota of what your dreams are all about, leave alone support you. The other person will constantly stop you and ask you to be answerable for your irresponsibility towards her resulting from your trade off/choice. You need to be brave enough to handle this. It will be very tough. It is like an investment with negative returns, but you can't escape investing. Good luck.

"Fuck efficiency, go for inefficiency"

This is again a liberating lesson I gained from my life partner. I was so foolishly caught up in making things efficient and orderly, that I forgot to have fun. I was trying to put everything in one bracket. This means that I used to assume that what applies to excel formula, also applies to life/relationships. Although, this has given me great success in my academic and professional career, this won't help me in maintaining relationships. So, I stopped caring if the driver took that longer route, spent on various things without researching and hence tried to live in the moment as much as possible. And it is great fun because there is no need to think about long term. It reduces the immediate stress a lot, and my grey cells are finally free to think of other things - plan the next holiday trip. Even if you follow efficiency in some aspects of your own life, don't ever expect the other person to do that. So, just relax.

"Don't try to teach/help your life partner unless she asks for"

Whatever be the situation, don't ever try to be the snob. I was so immature before I learned it the hard way - lots of accusations of being a snob and not a humble person. I thought that how I used to help others solve a mathematics problem in my school/college would also translate to how I help my life partner in various other things which I know in and out. Here, you should give your life partner the opportunity to fail again and again. And every time she fails, you have to support her and take her out of trouble. But don't expect that she will ever learn or thank or even appreciate you. For her, it is your duty and responsibility. Welcome to a normal relationship.

"Keep those friendships alive"
If you are someone who feels free, liberated and happy after meeting friends, then please invest very heavily into those friendships. Mainly because these friendships will give you the peak of happiness which your romantic relationship can never deliver. In geeky terms, the return on investment is way more in friendships than in a romantic relationship. But one catch here is - your friends might not like that you are intruding in their lives. In that case, you have to maintain the fine balance and not get them stressed out.

"If you are able to do it, then just do it, don't think"

This is an awesome advice from my uncle. I never thought it this way before. I used to get caught in the loop that - "Why should I do it?". But once he said this, everything became crystal clear. I am right now approaching the age of 30, so it will be soon that I will be 35 and then 40. At that time, I won't be able to do a lot of things and I will regret why I didn't do them before when I was young, energetic, "hopeful" and in good health. On the top of all this, I will be scolded that time that I never did anything (which I will get scolded anyway). Further, it will lead to new experiences and more opportunities to see the world from a different perspective. Hence, get up and get running. The pain of doing that thing initially may even be compensated later, but again don't expect it. Since I don't have money problems, I can even take an Uber/Ola.

"Don't tell everything, keep something to take away in your grave"

Don't take this as cheating. Obviously tell 99% of the things to your life partner, but don't tell her every minute detail of things. This is because it will maintain a peaceful atmosphere in the house, and also it will give you chance to reassess a lot of things. It will also help you correct yourself in your mind without causing any havoc on the other person. In a way, you will correct yourself and the other person would feel it rather than see the process. People, generally, don't like the process, they like the result more and hence, don't tell everything upfront. You may get bashed due to this from time to time, but be brave and strong. So, in conclusion, it is like a combination of patience and  learning. Somewhere in the journey, if you feel your life partner is wrong then don't tell her that, instead prevent her from damaging herself too much without telling her that you did it. You have to protect her, but do not expect the same from her. 

"In the long run, you will die alone, so live in the moment"

Ultimately, barring everything, you will die alone. No one is going to be the partner on the journey beyond this world. So, please relax and grow yourselves. Focus on now. As I learned from a movie recently - "No moment is an ordinary moment. Something is going on every moment". Not that I didn't know this earlier, but I just need to recollect my own conclusions from past so boost my present. The movie taught me another thing - "Let go of the bullshit that is going on in your head". It is very true for me at present. If I really focus on the thing I am doing in this moment, then nothing can stop me from being happy. It is the modern version of the saying - "Karm karo, phal ki ichcha mat karo". Focus or lack of it can change the game altogether. Focus can help one reach another level in whatever they are doing. If you are constantly stuck in past or future, you can't live in present. All this might not seem to be linked to your life partner, but it is. You need to figure out how to deal with her and also how to focus on things you love. This is a constant struggle.

PS: This post took one week to complete as I was able to write it in bits and pieces, but during this one week, my mood changed a lot and hence my writing seems tough and mild in various places. I learned a lot about myself too and I am relatively happier than I was at the start of the week.

Last night talk

The talk last night was quite good.Well, at least for me. Towards the end, I was almost about to cry when suddenly she held me close. She started crying instead.

By sharing all that is going on in my head, I felt quite relieved. It might have had an adverse impact on her but I was being completely selfish after quite a while. She still has issues about why I didn't ask her few obvious questions, but I guess that can't be undone now. I didn't ask those questions when I was supposed to. I was immature and didn't put all my mind into this relationship.

Today I woke up with some hope that I would be able to do something. I would be able to participate in fun. I can handle pressure. I even wanted to go to the gym.

Please someone make me cry

I realize now. My life has practically ended. I have nothing left inside. I can't say what I want to. I am all alone though I am surrounded by people. I can't tell them that I have become a wrong doer. Whatever I do or think is wrong. I get null respect, but I have to show all the respect and politeness to others. Am I suffering from a hidden case of depression ? Will I never be happy again? Here again I am right, because this is Karma, and I believe in it. 

My to-be-wife keeps telling me what to do and what not-to do. Apparently, I have to change a lot. She told me we need not talk on phone once she is in Mumbai, but she calls every night. Is she a hypocrite ? I have no life left now. I hardly think of my personal growth now. I am stuck in a terrible job. I have become fat and weak. I wish I could turn back time and go to those times when I had a purpose in life.

I am really tired now. How much can I fake it ? I am even cancelling all plans to just meet her. Music is the last thing now. It doesn't give me that pleasure now. Mainly, because I am afraid all the time. There is a fear residing inside me. Also, she considers Music a noise. She said my house is always noisy because people keep singing. I pray to God that I have enough money in future so that I can build a sound proof room for music.

This is for the record that I am making a huge mistake. I am not only destroying my life but also destroying two families and many more connected lives. I hardly feel happy anymore. But she is hardly concerned about my happiness. All the time she keeps telling me how she is feeling, what is bad for her, what is good for her. She is always wanting more and more.

She is a ridiculous person. She wants something and she does the opposite of it. She wants people to be polite to her but instead she is extremely rude to people. Her words over the phone hurt me like nails being hammered in my heart. But, I guess, I, being a fool, keep her calm by accepting whatever shit she throws at me. She, however, is not ready to take any of the shit I throw at her. She wants to just hear good stuff about her by doing nothing. She feels her sacrifices and changes are way more. She complains about them and quotes them at the same time. I just can't talk to her in a way where I can speak my mind. It is extremely tough to communicate with her. 

She lives in a dreamy world, and she tells me that I am far away from real world. I was a confident man before I met her, and now, all my energy has been sucked away by her. She makes fun of me and my weaknesses, but she is not ready to listen or discuss her weaknesses. She has no strength as a person. She just uses me a punching bag and has zero patience. 

I am observing her closely a lot. I see that lot of my speculations have been correct. She thinks that being in Kolkata was the best for her. But, then why didn't she do stuff there which she liked. Fact of the matter is that she just likes to laze around and do nothing. She wants life to just pass her by where she will just be the audience - watch everyone do things, while she sits and eats pizza. She is a terrible listener. In an argument, she has closed up her mind so much that she is not ready to change her beliefs at all. She thinks that there is only one way of living a life, and that is hers. She is not ready to change at all, while I, the biggest fool, am here who is thinking every moment of how not to piss her off.

I have realized that crying once a while helps me calm down and live one day at time. I am done with all the youtube videos which have made me cry. I can't feel the connect with those videos anymore. I am so heartless and emotionless that I have turned into a brick.

Scribbling: Why so lost ?

Date: 17th July 2016

I am not deeply involved in anything right now. I feel I am touching only the surface in everything and not thinking everything through. I have taken a few decisions which are going to stay for life, but I am not sure about them at all. The feel about those decisions keep on changing all the time. Sometimes I feel very happy and sometimes I feel I have made a blunder. But now I have no option left. I have to go through with the decision simply because so many people have been involved in this, and it would be a huge huge mess if I decide to run away. In plain terms, I wish time had stopped now and let me be for a uncertainly long period of time. Once I have figured it out, time could start again and I can take decisions again. 

I am too tired right now, and hence not doing anything. Be it job, home, relationship or anything, I am just drifting. I am actually in a dual state. Sometimes I feel that I am extremely wrong about all the things and that I need to change drastically for the life I have chosen, but sometimes I feel I have so much to offer and hence I deserve some slack in the usual responsibilities.

With the relationship I am in, I am not growing. In fact, I am losing energy most of the time. I will not say there are no happy times but energy is surely drawn from me. I wish I was with someone who was a bit more chilled out with lesser expectations from me. Someone who was a bit more adjusting. By the way, all this is my foolish mind speaking. 

In reality, the other person might be too adjusting and understanding, but I am not able to feel that because I don't see the other alternative. But that is where the problem lies. Why do I need to put in so much effort into understanding all this and then at the end of it be blamed for not able to perform. I know I have problems but I don't seem to be very frank about things with her. If I do, then she would be hurt because she can't handle criticism all the time, and I am someone who sees problems all the time and tries to resolve them. I can't randomly start saying good things about someone. In my mind, they need to prove themselves to be of my worth. More importantly, they shouldn't frown or show anger at the slightest discomfort from my side. 

Wait, I am writing random shit. I need to calm down and think very patiently. Let's jot down few things about me and then have a discussion about whether they are wrong or right. Honestly, I don't believe in right and wrong per say, but there has to be something consistent or fair.

My apparent bad qualities:

1. I don't have the capability to appreciate people: Yes, this is true. I don't appreciate often mainly because I want that appreciation to really stand out and make a difference in their life. Yes, this road has dissatisfaction and frustration all over it, but if one is patient with me on this, he/she can see great difference in future. This has happened in the past too. All those who have spent many years with me will know that when they do really good and have reached their potential, I have appreciated them wholeheartedly. I appreciate efforts too, and I don't like insincerity. This is one big problem with her. She is not sincere and she makes no efforts on being sincere. But she keeps complaining on how her life is messed up and how her weaknesses can't be discussed. If I dare tell her that she needs to improve, she will flare up and the discussion ends there. All that I can do is just shut up and agree with her. This causes a subdued hatred towards her and it is always there back of my mind while talking or interacting with her. 

2. I have a big ego: Again, I agree. This is really a big problem. I live on a thin line between humility and being egoistic. I cross over to both the sides often, may be mostly on the latter side. This is something I need to work on but I am not getting the proper environment to work on it. From time to time, I keep getting lessons on how I should control my ego, and that creates frustration in me. As a result, I need to keep telling myself that I am very good so that I can keep my confidence levels high and keep moving ahead in my life. As few say, the show must go on. However, I need to be more, much more, in fact much much more patient. I was patient once, mainly because I had hope of a better life in future. But now there is no such hope. I only see a life of adjustments and maintenance.

Reading the above two points in totality, I can clearly see how she might be feeling about criticism. She is also not getting an environment where she can recover. But, for both of us, we must act on our bad qualities and appreciate each other's efforts even if it is minuscule. 

To be Continued...